Work Keeps the Light Coming In

02/04/2011

I was watching ’16 and Pregnant’ recently because I can’t seem to get enough young mom drama. It makes me feel like my crazy working and being a mommy life is much less stressful when I see these girls juggling school, work and their families at such a young age.

One of the girls on the show (Kailyn) said something that rang true to me and now every time I start to slack a little I hear her words.. that I just have to keep working because work will keep the light coming in. At such a young age, she understands. When it all seems so overwhelming, so impossible, work will keep the light coming in. Never stop working to meet your goals. Work towards them everyday.

Sometimes I have a tough time being present with all of the things rolling through my mind, as we discussed in Learning to Live in the Moment, and I’m sure I’m not the only one. Join me again next week in my mission to live a happy, healthy and inspired life.

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Learn to See People for Who They Really Are

11/17/2010

I’d like to travel, for a moment, back to the time when I was five years old. I remember my mother shushing me for trying to talk to a stranger. I didn’t understand what the big deal was. She said that “we don’t talk to strangers,” and that “it’s rude to ask people personal questions!” This made no sense to me at all – if you never talk to strangers, how are you supposed to make any friends or get to know anyone? Obviously I wanted to avoid a spanking, so I did as I was told, but even the threat of corporal punishment couldn’t quell that insatiable desire inside me to talk to people and get to know them. Now, of course, it’s part of my work as a relationship expert, but what I’d like to do today is pass on to you the skill of really getting to know people, including yourself.

Going back to my childhood for a moment, I used to make mud pies quite frequently. I’d put them on my neighbors’ doorsteps and wait to see how they reacted. In my head, this was a way of testing the waters to see who was friendly and who wasn’t. If someone accepted the pie and the humor that came along with it, then for me they were safe, friendly, and open. If they didn’t see the humor, then I would use that as a sign to steer clear. I didn’t cry about it or beg them to like the pie or call them or stalk them or promise to change the pie into something they’d like better… I just moved on to another doorstep and tried not to take it personally. My pies weren’t to everyone’s taste, and that was fine. No big deal.

So I’m asking you now to make the leap forward with me and apply this to your own life. How many of us currently play a much more neurotic version of the mud pie game, giving too many pies to people who don’t want them, and causing unnecessary suffering by not listening to our intuition when it tells us the response to the pie isn’t a positive one?

Learning to see people for who they really are – and who they aren’t – is not just a matter of learning a few clever tricks that will give you insight into the opposite sex, and that’s not what I’m trying to do here. Instead, I want to give you the power tool of all power tools for your relationship tool belt – the knowledge of how to inner-view for success!

The difficult part about “learning to see people for who they really are” isn’t the people out there – it’s learning who YOU really are and what you really want. If you look at great relationships and think that could never happen to you, I want you to know that you are wrong! Great relationships ARE possible for you! You just have to put in some initial legwork getting to know yourself, and setting up a plan that will not only help you succeed in finding someone compatible for you, but that will also greatly increase your chances at having a great relationship.

Remember that getting older does not necessarily mean getting wiser. Many of us make the same mistakes over and over again. But the basics of a great relationship are easy to learn, no matter how many times you’ve gotten it wrong. When we want to explore a spark we feel for someone, we offer up the adult version of a mud pie: a friendly introduction, a smile, or a flirty glance. Then it’s the intuition’s turn to measure the response we get from that, and decide either to back away, or take another step forward into a conversation. After that next step, then the intuition does its magic again, and again it’s up to us to read the signs and choose which way to go. My goal for you is this: once you have a comfortable knowledge of who you are and what you want, then you can learn to take your passion for connecting with someone, and use it wisely, to make sure your time and energy are spent on the positive road to your next great relationship!

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Getting Magnified With Nubby Twiglet

10/29/2010

Visualize what you want out of life, big or small and work hard. Stay focused. It’s never supposed to be easy.

what i wore nubby twiglet fashion style outfit

Q.

Nubby! There are all kinds of creative people around the globe, but many of them find real difficulty in pinning down exactly what it is they would like to make a living doing. How did you take the plunge and commit to graphic design, and what advice would you give to people still ‘working it out’?

A.

It’s completely normal to experiment before committing to a career. I would start by asking yourself what you’re truly passionate about. What do you enjoy doing most in your free time? What’s the one thing that you’re willing to stay up late and do, no matter how tired you get?

In school, my two strongest subjects were always Art and English. I loved ripping up fashion magazines and making collages, playing with sheets of rub-on letters and flipping through old advertising and poster books. I knew that fine art is really subjective and that it wasn’t going to be an easy way to make a living right away. Graphic design combined my love of art and type with one of my other passions; advertising. The thing is, once your passion becomes a job, it’s not all about fun and leisure anymore. There’s a level of professionalism that goes into it and at the end of the day, there are certain things you have to do to ensure that you get paid. Even when you’re working for yourself, the money has to come from somewhere.

If you’re unsure of what you want to do, reach out to teachers, mentors and career counsellors. Take some classes for fun. The more things you try, the easier it is to realize what you DON’T want to do. When I was in college years ago, I did filing in offices, stuffed invoices into envelopes and worked retail. All of these jobs built character and made me appreciate the career that I have now.

Q.

You seem to have been incredibly practical in the pursuit of what many would consider an impractical or ‘risky’ career choice, is that how you see it? Did you face any naysayers along the way and, if so, how did you deal with that?

A.

I always felt that any career in art or design was really risky and that’s probably because my parents always worked traditional office jobs, doing sales. That’s one of the main reasons I went to school first for business. My mom encouraged me because she knew I had the potential and in a way, I think she wanted me to have something to ‘fall back on.’ After I completed that degree though, I just didn’t feel fulfilled. I had already started to do freelance design work but felt like I wasn’t as proficient or knowledgeable as I wanted to be. I had a lot of people around me who just didn’t get it…I was supposedly done with school and trying to go back for something completely different.

At 25, I didn’t want to waste another four years in school and this is why I chose to do a two year, limited entry graphic design program. I’d always dreamed of working at an ad agency and what I soon realized is that the combination of marketing and design backgrounds meshed perfectly for my career path. Listen to your instincts – there are always going to be naysayers. But, it’s your life. You know best.

Q.

Your work seems like so much more than a 9-5 for you, it is clear from your blog how intertwined your job, lifestyle, fashion sense and even home decor are! How important do you think it is to blur the lines between work, life and play in terms of career fulfillment?

A.

A career in design doesn’t necessarily have a starting and stopping point. Inspiration will hit you at completely random times and I think that as a designer, it’s a natural progression for your interests at that moment to seep into your outfit choices, home decor, blogging topics, etc. I’ve always strived to have a seamless line between my work, life, and blog. It’s definitely tricky because I am the face of my brand and my personality is interconnected heavily with my work.

I don’t think it’s necessary to blur the lines between your work, life and play – if anything, it’s probably a relief for most people to break away at the end of the day. I’ve done things differently because it makes sense in my life, but I wouldn’t recommend it for everyone. It has to feel like a natural progression.

Q.

You’ve mentioned both your brand and your personality and how key they are in your career, how important do you think a ‘personal brand’ is for a career in the creative industries? What advice would you give to someone looking to brand themselves within their market – where should they start?

A.

Most of the time, a person’s work speaks for itself but in a flooded market, often what makes someone stand apart is their personality and ability to potentially relate to their customers. There are so many designers out there – the personal connection you make with your customers is going to be the defining factor that keeps them coming back. I’ve always said that it doesn’t matter how good you are if nobody knows how to find you. Branding yourself in a recognizable, uncluttered manner will help you get remembered. Start by building an online presence through various social media platforms and showcase your work on your own domain, whether that’s a website or a blog. Reach out to people you admire – often, they’ll help you along and even show you the ropes, no questions asked. A simple logo that will mature with your work is also helpful. And, always have business cards handy! Some people think they’re extinct, but I promise you, there will be times where they pay off. You never know who you’re going to meet!

Q.

It looks like you’ve learnt a great deal about yourself and your field through your career so far, what one piece of advice would you liked to have given yourself, say, 5 years ago? And, conversely, where do you see yourself 5 years from now?

A.

I would have told myself that it was possible to work at an ad agency and that it wasn’t a pipe dream to run my own business full time. And, I definitely would have gotten started on my personal blog much sooner. It’s so easy now to look back and see things differently, but the reality is, life happens and we tend to just do the best we can at any particular time without knowing if the outcome is going to be what we hoped for.

And, five years from now… wow, that is a long time away! Five years ago, I hadn’t gone to school for design yet. I was finishing my business degree and had just returned home from a two month stay in New York. I hadn’t done my first solo art show yet. I was working at a shoe store and living with four boy roommates. My life was completely different! So, five years from now, I’m not exactly sure what I will be doing. I hope to be working at a fashion magazine (Elle!) in New York, working as an art director at an agency or running an agency with my brother. Though, he loves working at Nike, so he might be too cool to spend his days with me! I also want to write a how-to guide about marketing for designers and do workshops on what it takes to be a freelancer and how to build a portfolio. Oh, and I want to travel a lot. I guess I have a vague idea then…but life is meant to be lived. Setting anything in stone feels too rigid – I am just soaking up new experiences, trying to stay in the present and enjoying my life right now.

what i wore nubby twiglet pantone notebook design

Q.

You seem to have done things totally your own way, do you consider yourself Miseducated? If so, what makes you Miseducated and what final advice would you give to readers embarking on their own Miseducated careers?

A.

Since Miseducated is about embracing a unique, unconventional existence, I would say yes! Though I tend to make plans, set goals and keep a schedule, beyond that, I try to live the best life possible and to do things my way. You’re only going to live once so it’s important to stay true to your values and ethics – at the end of the day, you have to answer to YOU. That’s it. Do what makes you happy. When I was younger, I tried to fit into ideals, to do what I thought would make me happy by society’s standards. I quickly realized that wearing corporate casual attire, working at a mainstream office and living in the suburbs was not for me. I went to school for business because it seemed more practical. But, I wasn’t fulfilled so I went back for a design degree. Visualize what you want out of life, big or small and work hard. Stay focused. It’s never supposed to be easy. The things that you do that feel impossible and test your will do add character. If people tell you that something can’t be done, work even harder to prove them wrong. It’s up to you to create the life that you want.

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Stamped with Mental Illness

09/20/2010

It’s not something people often come out in the open with. In school it gives kids another reason to make fun of you, it doesn’t matter if you act strangely or not — the label is all it takes. The stigma that follows mental illness is many times much more harmful than the actual illness. Don’t let society decide how you should feel about your own mental health or anyone elses.

“Mental illness itself occurs from the interaction of multiple genes and other factors –such as stress, abuse, or a traumatic event — which can influence, or trigger, an illness in a person who has an inherited susceptibility to it.” – Web M.D. Worried about having kids? They may inherit a susceptibility to the mental illness but it’s really the environment and emotional factors that ensure having it. I’ve only been the child, never the parent. I know many mothers read this and it might be questionable whether I am child friendly due to the topics on this website. This website is not child friendly but when in the presence of children, I censor my discussions as anyone would.

I think it’s safe to assume that parenting is on of the hardest jobs on the earth. Having never been a parent but knowing many and seeing how their lives revolve around another human’s care, I cannot imagine the stress. It’s very easy to treat your children like they’re adults, to forget to censor. To assume they can do what you can do, understand what you can understand, hear what you can hear.. It’s naive. It creates trauma. I’ve met a lot of people who say negative things about others who obviously have some underlying issues, i.e. “She had great parents but she turned out to be a real asshole — selling drugs, breaking into houses.” In reality we have no idea what genes this person has inherited, if they’ve dealt with a traumatic experience in their life or really anything about their home life behind doors. Instead of assuming children will mature into what they will become no matter how great of a parent one may be, let’s assume they wont and prevent it. Things which appear like normal situations to adults can be very traumatic experiences for children.. experiences they remember into adulthood. I want the world to understand that everything matters, especially how you treat others. Especially how you treat others when their minds are developing.

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Stay Gold Forever: Lessons in Business and the State of Being

09/18/2010

When I was about fifteen, my father had this great idea that would turn me into the business prodigy that he had so desperately wanted me to be: To start a record label. I was very involved in music, and he had figured that it would have been perfect. I spent months reading business books and books specifically about one starting a record label, only to quit the project and head into an entirely new direction (one of the best descisions I have ever made in my entire life) months later.
Nonetheless, here are some things that I had learned whilst trying to get this independent music empire up and running, and I believe sincerely that these lessons can be applied to life in general and have a positive effect.

That’s My Story, and I’m Sticking To It

When I tell people how something happened (ex. How did you and your boyfriend meet? Is an easy example) , I want to feel good about it. I don’t want to have to feel like I have to paint a different picture to get the approval of who I’m telling, there shouldn’t be a detail to hide. You have to live a story that you’ll be proud to tell in the future.

Don’t Lose Yourself

It’s human nature. When you factor things down to their purest form, the only thing you really have, to hold on to forever and no one can ever take it, is what you think about yourself. Who you know yourself to be. And you must maintain your sense of yourself at all costs. Because your self-image is always going to be what you base your descisions off of, and if you compromise that, you’ve lost.

At the end of the day, don’t only ask:
How much money did I make?
How much work did I get done?
but also ask yourself:
What did I get out of it?
because in everything you do, there’s an image of yourself and the feeling associated with what you’re trying to achieve.

Avoid the Trap

Define who you know yourself to be.
Define who it is that you would like to be.
And define what it is you wish to be known for.

Those three things are your own personal rules of thumb. And it’s rather difficult, but beneficial, not to contradict them.

I do sincerely feel that by applying these little bits of knowledge to your life, you’ll come to a full understanding of why you want to do what you want to do, and therefore take a huge step forward on your everlasting journey to self discovery.

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Three Things That Aren’t Worth Crying About and Why

06/22/2010

“Your To-Do List, is crying on there? If not then get busy.”
– Glamour Magazine

I truly cannot even begin to tell you how many times I’ve crumbled under the weight of all of the things I scribbled on my on-going ‘to-do list.’ It seemed like my life was run by a piece of scratch paper folded in my pocket. We know that it’s common, that it happens to all girls, but that doesn’t lighten the load in the slightest.

Well, not too long ago, someone mentioned something called a ‘Get To-Do List.’ Self explanatory, writing down all of the things that we get to do. And it definitely helps put your priorities in place and appreciate all of things that you get, and unknowingly take for granted.

Get To-Do List

1. Go to the gym
Because: I have working legs and arms I get to work out.
Because: Nothing health-wise prevents me from working out. Some people don’t have limbs to run with or arms to lift weights with. I’m so glad I’ve been blessed with this opportunity.
2. Clean the house
Because: I’m fortunate enough to have a roof over my head, a house to clean and things to clean up.
3. Finish that term paper
Because: I’m fortunate enough to be able to get an education. Most of the people in the world don’t get to go to school and learn things. Even though it’s not always the most interesting way to spend my time, an education is such a precious privilege of mine.
4. Do laundry
Because: I have clothes and things to wash those clothes in. Some people wear rags. Or nothing.

See the difference between this and your regular list?

Boys (or Girls). Period.

We’ve all done it., sobbed into our pillow because a boy (or girl) broke our heart. Your chest literally hurts. And as cliché as it sounds, the truth is that it’s never ever worth it.

If he completely rejects you, then it’s probably for the best. Does it hurt to feel rejected? Certainly. But it hurts so much more to be in a one-sided relationship, or to be used. Besides, he’s obviously not worth it if he can’t even see what a wonderful pair you two would make like you do. That being said, there are most certainly cases where said boy is genuinely looking out for the best interest of everyone involved. Sometimes, not all the time, but sometimes, the boy says so not because the attractions not there, but because he knows he’s not ready and it’s not fair to either of you to pursue a relationship. Point being, if he’s straightforward and honest, it may hurt, but it’s no reason to cry. Shake it off, it happens to everyone.

If he leaves you for another (yes, even your best friend)/cheated on you, definitely not worth the water works. Why would you cry over someone so immature and downright cruel? No one like that should have power over how you feel. And as for the girl, should she be someone close to you, she obviously doesn’t have concern for your feelings, and youmight want to reevaluate your friendship.

If you never got your chance with him, there’s probably a reason for that. While I do believe that there are ” ones who got away”, I also believe in fate, and that it will eventually bring you to whoever you belong with when you are both ready. So if you feel like you never had a shot, maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe you should direct your focus elsewhere and wait for fate to take it’s course.

Spilled Milk

If you can’t fix it, there’s a reason for that. Move on and look toward the future.

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Living in Love and Health

06/16/2010

So it’s been awhile but we’re all pulling through! I had an emergency cesarian (my uterus wouldn’t stretch anymore!) and because of the early delivery my baby girl had to spend over a week in the children’s hospital. Seeing the amazing work that these doctors and nurses do was a very enlightening experience. Not only did I learn about caring for her from the best of the best, but these wonderful people were always making sure my Colette Fawn was getting healthier everyday. I am so thankful for absolutely every person involved in my delivery and in our recoveries. Without the amazing support we certainly wouldn’t have pulled through so bravely.

.. and with that I’ve been assessing just how healthy (or unhealthy) my life has been in the past and making all sorts of changes (that’s right, I am a junk food addict).

Remember that it’s never to late to change who you are. No matter where you’ve been or where you’re going — you can change. Don’t ever let anyone judge you or tell you what kind of person you are — only you can know that. Be happy with yourself and only then will you find true happiness. Those of you who are asking for advice on dealing with this sort of thing, I can only tell you to be sure of yourself and to trust yourself. When you are happy with the person you are, you will live a much more positive life.

How to Stop Worrying: Self-Help Strategies for Anxiety Relief If you’re an anxiety queen like myself, this resource should help put you at ease and move you in a new direction towards recovery!

Are Bloggers Getting Stressed? Now this is something to read and think about as written by Lauren of A Typical Atypical for Independent Fashion Bloggers.

You’re Cut Off! What really matters in life? If you’ve yet to discover I think this show is amazing for that very reason! I don’t like judging people at all and it’s a huge pet-peeve of mine.. but Gia with the (adorable) one year old daughter makes me quite sad — she really missed out on some amazing experiences raising her child due to her laziness!

Tea ‘healthier’ than water ala BBC news — now that’s my kind of news.

“Drinking tea is actually better for you than drinking water. Water is essentially replacing fluid. Tea replaces fluids and contains antioxidants so it’s got two things going for it.” , says public health nutritionist Dr. Carrie Ruxton.

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Get in Full Sync With Your Love

03/18/2010

Too often to count relationships encounter a trip in the circuit, and things go awry. After the relationship gets a few years under it’s belt, it can be easy to let things fall in a style of communication, that at the moment feels comfortable, but not always for the best of the relationship. Lack of proper communication and lead to partners feeling unheard or often taken for granted, and even overwhelmed.

Last year I gave birth to two wonderful fraternal twin boys, and as you can imagine my life is not quite the same. My husband has been amazing through this transition, however we have been trying to adjust to still having our mojo that made us the self-proclaimed perfect mates for each other. Here are some tips that might help you encounter your relationship from other angles, and be overall more generous and open when talking to your lovebird.

Make your lovebird someone you really trust and confide in. Many of us turn to others such as family, friends, and work friends for support & advice, because they are around us the most during the day. Don’t leave your lovebird in the dark, he or she should know what is going on in your life, and how it is that you truly feel.

Treat your lovebird with the same respect that you do your best friend. Too often we tend to overlook our friends faults, even if they drive us crazy. We know that no matter what we need to be there and not judge them, and be the support system they need. Doesn’t our lovebird deserve the same?

Remember that you and your lovebird are not the same person, and do not always have the same views on everything. Sometimes it’s hard to be the adult and recognize this, however embrace the differences and help your lovebird be the absolute best that they can be. Trying to edit someone to your desire, or quash his or her ideas is doleful affair that helps no one in the end.

When things get heated remember that your lovebird is often acting in what they think is best and are good intentions, trust in them and remain calm and open.

Recognize that when in conflict much our resentments, and defensiveness comes from out own insecurities rather then something that is wrong with our lovebird. Breathe and take a mental step back for a minute think before you speak, before things escalate to a level that no one wants to be in. If a break is need go for a walk and regroup with the best intentions for you both or the situation

After the conflict has occurred come back to them and acknowledge what has occurred. Though apologies aren’t always required, but a moment of kindness and a mutual agreement to move on without resentment is best.

Accept that life is a series of phases and life passes you by much too quickly. The relationship changes like everything else, and although it’s not the butterflies in your tummy and sweaty palms like it was in the early days. You can let it evolve into a fantastic intimate love that young lovers dream of.

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Shame, Shame, Shame… on Who?

01/06/2010

We have plenty of excuses for Tiger Woods’ sexual mis-steps: “Powerful men have a higher sex drive,” says one expert; “Men are just wired that way,” says another. “If women don’t want their men to stray, they need to turn up the passion in the bedroom.” And I say – Pleeeeze!

Tiger Woods hits the front pages, and instead of fans cheering they’re reeling from his admission of foul play. Gasp! “Powerful men have a higher sex drive,” says one expert; “Men are just wired that way,” says another. “If women don’t want their men to stray, they need to turn up the passion in the bedroom.” And I say – Pleeeeze! We all know that men do not have a corner on the hormone market; the secret’s out and the facts are in, so enough with this foolishness—at least come up with something original.

Instead of acquiescing to what’s PC and getting on the oh-so-boring, poor, poor, sex-depraved male bandwagon, how about I direct your attention over here, to what I’m calling SI: Spiritual Incontinence. Defined: a sudden swift departure from one’s internal compass, brought about by the unconscious wound of separation. SI, I believe, is a malady that most of us who live in the western world not only suffer from but, ironically, subscribe to. We know what the high road is, and choose to submit to our lower nature, to hell with the consequences. And yes, I said choose.

It’s one thing to be broke and uneducated and thus make poor choices out of ignorance; it’s another to be out of integrity and behave abominably on purpose. You see, I am not a believer that people do the best they can; nope, I believe that people just do what they do. (And, in many cases, whatever they can get away with.) Unless you are a bona fide junkie, addicted to the rush of break-up and make-up, wake up and smell the truth:

First, being famous, powerful, rich or having a penis, in general, is not a precursor to infidelity or cheating. The difference between being a cheater and having cheated is gaping. If you don’t know the difference, bone up and grow up. There is no longer an excuse for not educating yourself unless you cannot read.

Second, women who choose to be in relationship with men who are cheaters do so because we are either afraid to be abandoned or alone, are financially dependent, are defined by a man wanting or loving us, or simply do not yet honor and respect ourselves. NOT because we love him and want to stand by our man. This is immature love and romanticized attachment. And if your man has moved from having cheated to being a cheater, he doesn’t need help. You do—get some, and some self-respect while you’re at it. You will be thrilled you did in the long run!

Third, do you know what one of women’s greatest strengths is? One of our greatest gifts? Our intuition. Use it or lose it. Look, we know! We see the red flags; we just …want what we want. We want handsome, tall, and strong/rich, powerful, and sexy/ hunky, artistic, etc., etc., guys who will sweep us off our feet and we’ll live happily ever after. We like the idea of love, not the reality. And I gotta tell you this; fantasy gets us into more trouble than just about anything. Slap yourself. Pay attention. Do your homework. Very few men turn into cheaters who were not already cheaters of some kind. The writing is on the wall—read it OR pay the price. How much is your peace of mind, your soul, worth? I’ll bet Mr-pro-golfer’s wife is asking herself that right now. Heavy price to pay, I say!

And four and last (for now, anyway). Wanna stay a victim and a blamer, or embrace the path of a skilled relationship warrior goddess? Maybe it’s time to fan your inner flame, turn up the volume of your passionate heart, and say YES to what’s most sacred and NO to what is not. To deny any suitor who has not taken care to bow before the divine, honor women and children, to live by the code inscribed in their deepest core, whose life reflects this on and off the field! How about you…shame on who?

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Ask Miseducated: STDs and Ethics

12/26/2009

It’s always a painful situation when you feel like you have finally met the mate of your dreams, only to find out soon after that you were very, very mistaken. One of my students was recently in this situation, and shared an ethical dilemma that she had encountered as a result. All the names below have been changed.

Dear Maryanne,

When my goddaughter went off to college, I made sure that she had plenty of condoms, and a copy of your book. I’ve encouraged her to make smart choices, but unfortunately I wasn’t smart enough to follow that advice myself. As a result, my heart is broken, and I am paying the price for trusting someone who didn’t deserve that trust.
I met Darren through a friend of mine who assured me that everything about him seemed great. He was also a known philanthropist, and as I spent time with him I felt like he was the kind of person I could trust. As a result, I agreed to spend the night with him, and naturally the subject of condoms came up. But Darren insisted that he had been tested and was healthy, and stupid me throw all sense out the window and believed every word he said. So of course my heart sank when a few days later, after never having had an STD before, I had an outbreak that turned out to be herpes.
The first thing I did was approach Darren about this, but then suddenly he became evasive and wouldn’t speak to me about this so-called clean bill of health he supposedly had This just confirmed what I already knew, even though it was in Hindsight!
But now I have a decision to make. Should I just take myself out of the situation and let others worry about themselves, or should I tell the friend who introduced us not to recommend Darren to anyone else? My therapist thinks I should leave it alone now, but my conscience worries about the other women who could put themselves at risk. I’d be curious to hear your opinion.

Thank you,
Rhonda (full of regret and feeling stupid)

Well Rhonda,

you have experienced firsthand how getting in a sexual relationship too soon can distort the reality of a situation. It takes time to build that level of trust, and you need to allow yourself the opportunity to see whether this person’s appearances of integrity check out. This time buffer, combined with asking the 14 question that are outlined in Hindsight, can greatly increase your chance of spotting trouble before it’s too late.

Nonetheless, it is terrible to have to learn such a harsh lesson in this way, and I certainly feel for what you’re going through. You clearly have been trying your best to use your CORR® relationship techniques, and I’m sorry that in this case things crashed and burned so dramatically. When a friend recommends someone, it’s so easy to perceive that recommendation as some sort of guarantee of trustworthiness. But in the end, it’s up to you to find out whether the person you’re getting involved with has earned that trust.

Take some time and effort now to return to your loving center. You can do several things to aid this process. First, cover all your mirrors with paper for three days, and choose to look inward rather that at your outer reflection for validation. Rediscover who you are according to your highest self, and use your inner beauty and wisdom to help your reference point become internal again.

You can also benefit from a period of cleansing your sexual palate, and this will mean a period of dating during which you don’t take the relationship to a sexual level. This will allow you to explore why you were so happy to trust a man you didn’t know that well, and give you some insight into the kind of men you attract, and how you behave around them.

Lastly, a clearing ceremony can be tremendously cathartic and healing. Invite your closest friends to join you, create a sacred space, and fill it with all four elements, your favorite music, and things that remind you of beauty. Make a ritual of writing down all the things you want to heal, as well as the things you want to let go of. This is a very effective way to turn a disaster into an opportunity to love yourself.

Take your time – this process is not a race. When you feel centered again, I think you’ll see more clearly what you want to do. I am available if you need someone to answer some more questions.

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