Ever lounging with friends at home and whip out coloring books? It’s a collective moment where everyone (no matter how dazed) can relax and focus on colors and (usually) cheerful illustrations. I enjoy doing this with my friends while listening to music or watching tv and also at parties. Coloring pages can be fun at any age~
Sailor Moon, Hello Kitty, My Little Pony, Rainbow Brite, Strawberry Shortcake and Care Bears are all copyrighted characters.
In order to focus on the positive aspects of my life, one of my main goals (and a tough one to tackle most of the time) is to get rid of the negativity in my life. As you know, negative can come in many, many forms and a lot of these forms are out of your control. Negative thoughts are sneaky little devils, creeping into our minds and trying with great persistence to lead us away from the positive. And, unfortunately, once we open the door to one negative thought, a bunch of others seem to sneak in.
So how can you stop the negativity from taking over? Here are some things I try to remember when I’m tempted to embrace negative thoughts:
Negativity is boring. For most people, it is easier to be negative than it is to be positive. Most people give into (and, in fact, often embrace) negativity, and end up giving up negativevibes. Their attitudes and actions become negative. If you are thinking negatively, you are like so many other people — taking the easy path. The easy path is not only uninteresting, but it is also detrimental to your well-being (even though, at the time, it may feel satisfying to giveinto that negative emotion or thought).
Negativity is unattractive. People like happy people; it’s a fact. Would you rather be around someone who is grumpy and moping and complaining or would you rather spend time with someone who is uplifting and always looking for the good in a situation? Exactly. People don’t want to be around negative people so you will be a lot more popular (with others and with yourself) if you keep a positive attitude.
Negativity is pointless. Being negative does not get you anywhere. There is absolutely nothing to be gained from looking at the negative side of things. While the positive may, at times, be idealistic, it forces your brain to think about happiness and increases the positivity in your emotions and actions. Thinking negatively does not. It does absolutely nothing for you, so why do it?
Negativity is tiring. Think about about happy thought. Now think about a sad one. Which thought was more draining? Emotionally and physically, thinking negatively can take it’s toll on our minds and bodies. While it sometimes feels like the easier thought to embrace, the more negative thought will ultimately cause more harm than good because it will allow your mind to be open to other negative thoughts. One negative thought can lead to another and before you know it, you are emotionally drained from thinking thoughts that make you upset, sad, or angry.
Negativity is time-consuming. Even though a lot of the time it is a negative thought jumps to the forefront of our minds, it actually takes a lot more time to think about things from a negative perspective. For example, if you allow yourself to think about what might go wrong in a situation, it’s very likely that your mind will wander to all of the other possible scenarios in which something could go wrong. You will then begin to worry about those scenarios and attempt to think about ways to solve potential problems. You will have spent time stressing about situations that may or may not happen — all because you let in one negative thought. Not only will you be wasting time and emotional energy, but you are also allowing yourself to live too much in the future, a place that is completely unknown and completely unworthy of your worrying thoughts.
Now that we’ve looked at some of the reasons not to be negative, let’s think about some ways to avoid negativity. One way is to concentrate on your thoughts and emotions and take control of them. Focus on remaining positive and living in the present moment. For more on these, see my post on mindfulness. Another way to avoid negativity is to communicate with others. As I have mentioned, clear communication often avoids conflicts and avoiding conflicts can avoid reasons to stray into negative territory. In addition, negativity can be avoided by having something positive to focus on other than your thoughts. If you like to walk, take a walk. If you have a favorite TV show, watch it. If you have a friend who always cheers you up, call him or her. Sometimes the easiest way to avoid the negativity creeping into your life is to distract yourself from it. There is a fine line between distracting yourself and ignoring a problem, but if you are certain the negative thoughts will not lead to a productive understanding of a situation, person, or problem (which is most often the case), it is best to avoid the thoughts altogether.
Negativity can be hard to escape. Not only do we have our own minds to contend with, but we must deal with those around us who can be negative, we must tackle negative environments or situations, and we must deal with negative images in the media. However, there are many ways to avoid negativity. Whether it is removing yourself from a situation or taking the time to think about your own viewpoint, removing (or, at the very least, lessening) negativity is an essential step to embracing a positive life.
Valentine’s Day, an excuse for us to spoil the ladies in our lives most often and also the men. If you’re feeling lonely this Valentine’s Day do something fun with someone you love, no matter who it is. Brighten their day and they’ll brighten yours! I almost think Valentine’s Day is just a little reminder for us to be more thoughtful to each other (and to be overwhelmed by hearts and candy).
Lucky for me I have an unhealthy obsession to hearts (it was the first thing I learned to draw as a toddler!) because my birthday happens to be the day before Valentine’s Day — which means eating out at two nice (and Japanese) restaurants and getting way too many (impossible!) hearty gifts.
So no matter what you do this Valentine’s Day enjoy a heart-shaped lollipop in a pink champagne bubble bath just for you.
Valentine Soda a Valentine favorite! (xoxo, Amber Renee & Ashley Galliher)
Carbonated beverage
Strawberry sorbet (or ice cream)
Whipped cream
Strawberry preserves
Dispense ginger ale or any carbonated drink above strawberry ice cream in tall glass and top with whipped cream and strawberry preserves.
Valentine Omelet (ala Doe Deere)
Tomato & Mozarella Valentine’s Day Omelet (to surprise your sweetie in the morning)
Makes enough for 2.
Mix 3 eggs, a cup of milk and a pinch of salt together
Pour mixture onto the hot, lightly oiled pan
Slice cherry tomatoes in halves and arrange them in a pattern (feel free to make a heart, a smiling face, etc.)
Sprinkle shredded cheese (such as mozzarella) on top. Season with dried or fresh basil & pepper.
Cook under the lid for 4-5 minutes.
Serve on a contrast plate (I got mine at Target).
Heart Pumps & Shoe Lust ala Audrey
Shabby and Sweet by Papercakes
Open Letters to my Heart from Glass of Win
Customize your Accessories with Doe Deere
Pink Box
Cupcake Store Online
Celebrate Valentine’s Day Without Spending Money
Raising Emotionally Healthy Children
Valentine’s Day on the Cheap
Life & love require experience… or just let Miseducated writer Michelle Shea Walker lend you hers.
Experience Preferred
One of the best things about Valentine’s Day (in my opinion) is the abundance of pink, red and heart themed specials online and offline everywhere.
Find love in Pet Society, Country Story, Restaraunt City and Hello Kitty Online
Twinkiechan‘s lovely Valentines
Sugarpill Launch (code: “hello15” for 15% off your order through Valentine’s Day)
Hello Kitty Valentine
Lime Crime (code: “bemyvalentine” for 10% off your entire order)
Valentine’s Day at fredflare
Life on lovely days.
Original electronic music to soar to.
Audrey Kitching’s handpicked goodies and one of a kind merchandise in an adorable shop online.
Support Miseducated
Indie businesses and non-profit organizations can take advantage of targeted advertising for Miseducated viewers.
Tease
Miseducated is going to be offering hand-painted tees for a limited time. Miseducated members will get first pick and the remaining shirts will be sold online.
“Where can you go to meet people if you’re single?” the reporter asked. He was writing a column about Valentine’s Day, and I had agreed to help him out.
“It depends on what you’re looking for,” I replied. “The right place for you to go may not be the right place for anyone else. I mean, I couldn’t recommend a restaurant for you until I know what kind of food you like! There’s no point in telling you to go to my favorite seafood restaurant if you hate fish.” This is the problem with the singles community: many people think that there’s one magic place out there to meet the right people, and that the same solution should work for everyone.
Sure, that approach is fine if you’re not terribly picky about whom you end up with, but most of us probably want something a little more specific. In that case, you have to take the time to identify what that specific thing is, what you want and what would make you happy. Once you are clear about your own feelings and desires, then it’s time to go out and find people who share those same values. Ask yourself, where would those sorts of people hang out? Those are the places that you need to go. If you surround yourself with like-minded people and let your true self shine through, a lot of great things will start happening.
“But how can single people cope with being alone on Valentine’s Day?” he wondered.
“There’s no coping necessary if you think of Valentine’s Day as a celebration,” I said. “Just like any other aspect of life, you can choose to be positive or negative. If there’s no one pampering you, do it yourself! Get out there and have the things you want, buy yourself flowers, get spa treatments, or whatever makes you happy. Life will turn around and treat you exactly how you treat yourself, so this is a perfect chance to give yourself some love and attention. If you are true to this intention and stick with it, you’ll attract the right people sooner than you realize.”
He asked again about the best places to find romance, so I tried repeating my point in a different way. “The place you need to find romance is inside yourself. There is nothing out in other places except a reflection of what’s within you. So the focus needs to be inward, taking care of yourself and what you want, and then focusing on putting that message out into the world. If you go out knowing exactly who you are and what you’re looking for, you will end up at the right places to find those things and people.”
The reason people keep finding the same disappointment again and again is because they keep looking in random places and settling for things they don’t really want. So if you want to do this right, find your real self first, focus on what makes you truly happy, and go out concentrating on doing what you love.
In short: it’s about what’s within you, not about what’s out there. Focus in the right direction and you’ll start having the things you want reflected back to you!
I figured I should write about something I’m currently tackling and how I dealt with it. I’m not just organizing my closet either, I’ve got everything (except my clothes) organized into boxes and in storage ready to move.. this ‘transitional stage’ is quite tough on a ‘nesting’ pregnant woman, but I found that I can feel confident simply by knowing I’ve went through and discarded/donated/saved anything I’ve ever had. I have a lot of junk. When I say junk I mean cute toys and nonsense from Japan, ridiculous amounts of assorted craft tools and art supplies, geeky technological computers and games (mine and my husbands combined), my husbands music equipment, my extensive Blythe doll collection (which includes a Blythe-size-inhabitable dollhouse)… wah!
I used to listen to others with absolute sympathy and little understanding as they complained about having to get rid of all of their Blythe doll boxes and anything they aren’t really attached to, having to slim down their collections, clothes and more.. I just guess being from the Midwest I assumed I’d always have a lot of space at my disposal.
Space is over-rated, having things is over-rated. First thing any psychologist will try to explain to a hoarder is that memories are not items. You can get rid of everything you have except your basic needs and you would still have your memories. Take photos of a cherished item. Store it in an album. There are many ways to reminisce without filling your house with everything you’ve ever loved. It’s easy (for me) to do.. but it’s not good, being attached to any item is dangerous.. Instead use that attachment on people and new memories, a 60s tumbler from your grandmother might be irreplaceable to you, but remember not to confuse the attachment you feel towards your grandma with the item.
It’s hard for me to get rid of anything I had in Japan, I feel if I lose it I’ll forget.. I just love visiting my room at my parent’s house and holding random items from my time there, it’s like the room is actually frozen in time and I’m still that same girl in school when I visit.
Before I move out of state I have to decide what I really do and do not need of course and start living a simple life, stop trying to save everything. After living in cute, tiny city lofts I quickly realized STUFF is exactly what I do not want. I did not want to carry boxes and boxes of junk down that tiny, spiral staircase and into the basement-looking living room. I quickly realized being on my own that stuff was useless — and yes my dolls were still with me all the way.
I do hope to someday have a home with more space, but I’m not ready to settle down yet. I’ve still got a lot of career-obsession driving my life.
I found a lot of organizing tips in Real Simple Magazine, these were the ones I found most helpful.
If you are on the fence about an item, “flag” the hanger. As you wear each item, remove the flag. At the end of each season, items that are still marked with a flag should be donated. If the item is in good condition and/or if you paid a lot for it, think about selling it at a local consignment store or online at a site such as eBay.
Use every square inch of your closet. Hang shoe racks on the back of your closet door. Classic belt hangers with multiple hooks are also a good solution for hanging camisoles, bras, or scarves. Always remove sweaters from hangers and fold them. Hangers will ruin the shape of sweaters over time.
It’s possible that no matter how much you try to edit and organize, you just have too much stuff to fit in your closet. If that’s the case, then you need to resort to a seasonal system by rotating your fall/winter clothes with your spring/summer clothes. Out-of-season clothes and kept in your attic or basement or under your bed in storage boxes.
Do you want to catch the eye of everyone around you? Do you want to appear happy and healthy (even if you’re plagued with the flu and totally bummed out)? Do you want to look absolutely gorgeous without makeup, without a chic outfit, and without any effort? Well here’s how!
The first step to instant beauty is CONFIDENCE. Even if you aren’t confident in yourself, looking confident makes you feel confident. At the beginning of each day, take a minute to pause and say to yourself, “This is MY day. I can do whatever I want with this day, and I’m going to succeed.” Starting each morning this way will give you a confidence boost that will last all day long, and can give you the spring in your step needed to appear confident to the outside world.
Another thing that makes you look instantly gorgeous is SMILING. Make it a goal to smile every single day. Smile at strangers. Smile at friends. Smile at family. Even smile at your pets! Smiling makes you seem approachable, down to earth, and friendly. And nothing is more attractive than that! Also, simply smiling makes you happy. Smiling also leads to laughing, which can make you even happier.
A third key that can instantly improve your appearance is POSTURE. People that walk around with their shoulders slumped and their eyes to the ground don’t look very appealing, do they? Instead, roll your shoulders back, keep your head held high, and look straight ahead. This makes you look ready to take on the world, and feel that way too!
My last tip is to drink a lot of WATER. This will keep your skin glowing without any makeup. Drinking water helps clear your body of toxins, so your skin will look fresh and gorgeous. It not only makes skin look ravishing, but it’s also incredibly healthy and can help with many other things.
Try these tips and you will see an instant difference! You don’t need expensive makeup, fancy clothes, or dramatic hairstyles to look beautiful. Just be confident, healthy, and enjoy your day! People will definitely take notice.
Alice in Wonderland is my favorite movie. Yes, I prefer the Disney version, but I do love all things Alice. While many little kids were scared of the film, I sat watching intently, in awe of the oddness of it. I wondered what it would be like to fall down a rabbit hole into a world where everything made no sense. As I got older, I realized that this world had quite a bit of nonsense in it and I wondered if, perhaps, I was already down the rabbit hole. Everything about the world — both Alice’s and my own — fascinated me. As I grew up, I focused less on trying to understand her world and more on trying to understand my own. However, there are a few good lessons in Lewis Carroll’s fictitious work that I think can apply to us, here in the real world.
For Christmas, my friend Christina gave me a beautiful Alice in Wonderland journal that she picked up, I believe, at Alice’s Tea Cup in New York City. (Thanks, Christina!) It’s filled with wonderful quotes from the book and I absolutely love it. When I cracked it open recently and flipped through it’s pages, I came across five particularly wonderful quotes that I realize had a great deal to do with living our lives in a positive way. Reading them gave me five great ideas about life and I thought to myself, “Hey! I better share these tips!” So here they are…
“Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?” “That depends a good deal on where you want to go,” said the Cat. “I don’t much care where–” said Alice. “Then it doesn’t much matter which way you go,” said the Cat. “–so long as I get somewhere,” Alice added as an explanation. “Oh, you’re sure to do that,” said the Cat, ” if you only walk long enough.”
Do you know where you want to go in life? I have an idea, but not a certain, definite path. As the Cat says, if you don’t know exactly where you want to go, you could end up just about anywhere. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but if you do have some sort of direction you want to be headed in, you should probably start going that way, rather than just trying to get anywhere. No one but you can point you in the direction or path that is right for you. Figure out what your path is and get on it! No one can do it but you.
“It takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place.” – The Red Queen
What do you do that keeps you in the same place? Do you want your life to change but you keep doing the same things over and over again? I know that happens to me. I complain about things that I can control. For example, I feel sick when I eat ice cream. I know this, but I eat it anyway and then I complain. It’s a lot of working to feel sick, but I keep it up. Why? I’m not quite sure, but I do know the Queen is right. Sometimes it feels easier to keep doing what you’ve been doing because it’s comfortable, but it’s actually a lot of work. Are you in an unhappy relationship? Think about how much time and effort and mental energy that takes just to stay where you are. It seems like it would be hard to leave, but, really, it’s harder to stay. Don’t settle for less than what you deserve in life.
“There’s no use in trying,” Alice said, “one can’t believe impossible things.” “I daresay you haven’t had much practice,” said the Queen. “When I was your age, I always it it for half an hour a day. Why, sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.”
How many of us are like Alice, so certain that something is impossible that we don’t even give it a try? People who succeed in life do so because they try and because they have a good attitude. They make an effort. They do, rather than just think about doing. This is hard though. Trust me, I know. I want to be a writer. I want to write magazine articles about topics I’m interested in. I want to write novels that people love and relate to. While I’ve drafted some articles and even written a novel, have I really done anything to pursue my dream? I often sit back and say to myself, “Oh, that probably won’t happen so I guess I’ll just stay where I am.” I’m doing some writing so it’s fine. Nope. This is not fine. My dreams — though they may be grand — are not impossible. And neither are yours so do something about it!
“Dear, dear! How queer everything is today! And yesterday things went on just as usual. I wonder if I’ve changed in the night? Let me think: was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I’m not the same, the next question is ‘Who in the world am I?’ Ah, that’s the great puzzle!” – Alice
Who are you? Ah, the great and mind-boggling question. Do you really know who you are? I’m not sure anyone really 100% knows who they are, though some of us have a better idea than others. If you’re reading this blog (and weren’t already turned off by the crazy Alice in Wonderland nonsense I’m spewing here), you’re most likely a thinker, a soul-searcher. You want to know who you are which puts you a HUGE step ahead of most people, who just move through life not knowing and not caring who they are. Keep exploring yourself and trying to learn more about you. Everything you learn about yourself can help you in life. It helps in your job, your relationships, your health, and your happiness.
“You should say what you mean,” the March Hare went on. “I do,” Alice hastily replied. “At least I mean what I say. That’s the same thing you know.”
Is saying what you mean and meaning what you say the same thing? I’m pretty sure it’s not. You should think about this: do you really say what you mean? do you really mean what you say? Communication, for me, is tough. I don’t always say what I mean either because I am afraid to or because I’m not sure exactly what I mean. This always leads to confusion and problems. It’s much better to take some time to figure out what you mean than to just say things that may be the opposite of, or not even related to, what you mean to say. On the other hand, it’s important to mean what you say. When you tell someone something, mean it. Don’t just speak to speak.
As you can see, there’s a lot to be learned from Alice and her adventures in Wonderland. If you haven’t already read the book and seen the movie, you should definitely do so. It’s pretty interesting and thought-provoking. I guess this is another example of how we can learn from the world around us. Not only can we learn from the people in our lives and our own experiences, but we can learn a lot from books and music and quotes and films. Pay attention. There’s a lot out there that can teach us if we just take the time to be aware of it.
One suggestion I have for you is to think about your favorite book or film or even quote. Why does that mean so much to you? What about that book/film/etc. do you really like? You would be surprised how much you can learn about yourself when you take the time to think about the things that you like in your life. We are all so different and we all really enjoy different things, and there are reasons for this. There is a reason that you like what you do so think about it and you may be surprised how much you can learn about yourself.
At the last moment, I turned right instead of driving straight. “I think we should have some really clean food instead,” I said as I headed down the road to one of our other favorite places. Within a few minutes, we were already there.
The manager greeted us warmly and loudly. You know that comedy show, “Cheers”? Kind of like that, but instead of this place being packed with beer-bellied Republicans, it catered more to the very far Left. Very far.
As we placed our orders, my husband looked at the women on the couch next to ours. “Oh, what a cute dog,” he said. The woman was wearing an almost see-through long skirt, and a knitted hat. “He assists with healing,” she said.
She must have seen the perplexed look on my face, and she began to explain. “He works with cancer patients sometimes, or whatever is needed,” she said. “He takes on the energy of the person he is healing. I named him Buddha,” she added as an afterthought. My husband chuckled and replied, “yes, of course,” half-joking.
I asked the woman about her work. “I’m actually a nun,” she said. “Well, not really – a Swami in the Tibetan lineage, from a specific area in the Himalayas. Soon I’ll be a Parmahansa, and then a Llama after that. Well, maybe. I haven’t decided.”
“Wow, that’s amazing!” I replied. I had no idea it was so “easy” to become a Llama, as it were.
The nun changed subjects somewhat. “I think there may be a big earthquake coming, and my mother is freaking out about that. It’s true, I did predict 9/11 months before it happened,” she said. I kept dreaming about plane crashes. My friends dismissed me as nuts.” She looked vindicated in a way.
At that moment, a friend we knew from our dance class walked in the restaurant. She was in from New York, and we thought we’d missed the chance to say goodbye before she went back. I suddenly remembered my “moment of insight” when I decided to come here rather than the other restaurant, and at the same time I knew this was why the nun’s story interested me so much – life is so much richer when it is lived in the world of possibility rather than the world of the acceptable or “normal”.
While my friend and I chatted, the nun just sat and watched us, eating her food. After my friend left, I told the nun a little about our dance classes.
Her face lit up. “Oh, I dance everyday,” she replied. “I used to be a ballet dancer, you see.” Ha, a Parmahansa ballerina! What a curious mental image that produced.
I asked her about her hair, because I know that many monks and nuns shave as their religion requires. She took of her hat, and she was completely bald underneath. “It’s not required of me anymore, now that I’m a Swami,” she said, “but it’s easier to keep like this anyway!” Hair or not, she still looked nice, which made me wonder something else.
“What about having a boyfriend?” I asked.
“Sure,” she replied, “it’s okay as long as you’re a Parmahansa and he is a priest in the same order. When you teach, your boyfriend must also be a teacher,” she explained. That made sense to me.
As we finished our food and asked for the check, our nun started on a new topic. “I grew up on a cattle farm…” she began, and all at once the absurdity of it all hit me. Here she was, a Parmahansa ballerina, predicting 9/11 but not the big earthquake, with a mother who is paranoid and who raised her on a cattle farm, whose dog heals the sick, and who wears sheer skirts in freezing cold weather.
We got up to leave, and she invited us to come to the temple to see her. “I teach classes there, you should stop by!” she said. We hugged our new friend and then made our way to the car.
As we rode toward home, we speculated what it would be like to create an entire new teaching lineage. Maybe you could begin as a Llama, and then as time went on you would lose rank, let your hair grow, get a boyfriend, and then… eventually you get to enlightenment and completely release from the self! California is amazing!
Occassionally I’ll get personal and I’ll let you peek into the nonsensical world I call my own. I adore reading your stories and connecting with you, so I feel the best thanks is to be honest and sharing as well.
Me? Pregnant? Surely not.. I’d always been told it would be tough for me to conceive if not impossible. I had stopped taking my birth control for about a year now and I had to admit I felt a little strange.
Many friends in the past had told me, “You just know.” .. and I had found that very hard to believe, but here I was feeling the same way they described. Something was different. I began to feel constantly nauseated and went to the dr assuming I had caught some sort of flu. They wanted to do a pregnancy test and as they excitedly sprinted back into the room I knew what the result was.
“.. So are you trying to have a baby? It’s positive!”
My husband looked at the ceiling in absolute shock, tears of happiness along with smiles and a lot of “are you serious??” We had always wanted to someday.. but just weren’t sure if it would happen so we didn’t put a lot of pressure on it. I had hardly considered a baby and here I was expecting. We left with some shots and tests ecstatic beyond our wildest imaginations. .. So we have a new family member?
I’ve tried not to get too attached to the idea and waited to tell everyone because deep down inside I worry that something will be wrong but there it is, nestled in my abdomen safe and sound. It’s too good to be true. I’m so excited to meet them, care for them and show them the world. It’s been my absolute dream to weave a childhood of happiness and sweet memories with my husband.
I’m 17 weeks pregnant now and in three weeks we’ll find out if the baby is a girl or a boy — we’re excited for either, of course! I’m pretty feminine so a girl would easily become the center of my world, but with the unsurpassable love I experienced when my nephew was born and as he has grown, I know I’ll be absolutely pleased with a healthy boy or girl.
Oh, Miseducated, how I miss you and our talks — I’ve developed a new schedule so that I’ll have more time for my very favorite project, you. In the future you’ll meet my newest work of art, the baby of my dreams.
The Greeks had no shortage of words for love. Eros indicated passionate, romantic love, full of desire and longing. Philia was the kind of love that came with friendship and loyalty. Storge, thelema, and agape also meant love, but all in different ways. In English, however, we tend to lump it all together – although we have plenty of words to describe the different elements of love (affection, devotion, infatuation, passion, and so forth), as far as actual love is concerned, we only have that one word to express it.
We also have another word that can sometimes be related: addiction. Addiction is being so gripped by a habit or practice as to be enslaved by it. This progresses to such an extent that its sensation causes actual trauma, a psychological wound so deep that the damage is both significant and lasting. The etymological root of addiction is addictio – to surrender to or to give something over. Addictive love has this enslavement and surrender about it, and when this is not addressed, it can lead to some very dark and dangerous things.
I think spiritual leader and author Thomas Moore said it best: most addiction and addictive behavior is based on us misinterpreting or distorting our soul’s longing. I have noticed over the years that when we are not in touch with our true selves, we are much more likely to fall prey to those potentially destructive behaviors we learned in our youth to help quench the longings we perceive. When those longings fall into the “object love” category, this can often set us up for entering into addictive relationships.
But it’s not that repetition in itself is bad. On the contrary, it’s repetitive behaviors that are responsible for many of our successes. The trick is to spot when our patterns are unhealthy and destructive, and to examine those more deeply. Each time we can catch it, we have a perfect opportunity for deep self-inquiry.
Keeping drama to a minimum can seem boring, sure. If you are attracted to the drama and fun of bad boys, it can be difficult to see that the novelty is only temporary. If you suspect you might bo one of the hundreds of thousands of people who are trapped in the cycle of relationship addiction, here are some questions that might help clarify things:
Do you have feelings of restlessness or agitation when you don’t know where this person is?
Do you bend over backwards to be agreeable, accommodating, or sexier in order to retain this person’s interest?
Are you having increasing feelings of being unfulfilled in this relationship as time goes on?
Do you ever feel that your attraction seems bigger than you?
Do you feel overwhelming relief or a kind of high when this person calls or contacts you?
Do you feel some excitement or a sense of the forbidden with this person?
Do you find yourself rationalizing or making excuses for their behavior?
Do you find that your own usual behavior changes when you are around this person?
Does it seem that deep down, you do not share any of the same values or behaviors?
Do you keep finding reasons to stay even though you already know you are in the grip of an unhealthy addiction?
Have some of your other relationships with friends and family been damaged because of your relationship?
Do you know deep inside that this is not the person you really want to be with, but somehow you still don’t manage to leave?
It can be difficult to see your own addictive relationship, but having the courage to look is a wonderful first step forward. If you are in an uncertain situation right now, I would say this: start raising your self-awareness. A journal can help greatly with this. If you do find that your relationship has crossed the line from dependent into addictive, or is in danger of doing so, you are not alone by any means. There are plenty of helpful groups out there who can assist you with getting back in the love game in a healthy way, with more productive behavioral patterns. For assistance, contact your local chapter of Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous.
Maryanne’s teaching another emotional and physical self-defense workshop in Santa Rosa, CA along with karate black belts. More info on http://askmaryannelive.com. Can’t get to Maryanne in person? Her new DVD series, launched this week gives you personal, expert relationship advice from the comfort of your own home. Discover: Six critical tools for your relationship tool belt, which of your relationship patterns are destroying your chances for having a great relationship, why having sex too soon can be a deal breaker ~ and more! Click here.