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trauma

Diary

Is this thing still on? Ending a hiatus.

08/15/2024

I have finally updated my portfolio after so many years of not updating it. But guess what? A lot of my work is on a hard drive that I cannot locate and so a lot of my work that I really would like to show I can’t seem to find.

It’s no secret that I took a hiatus for probably six years at a minimum, and I have been here and there briefly. Sporadically you may say. After my second pregnancy, I was restricted to bed rest but I just couldn’t focus on work for some reason. Or my online life. And of course, after I had my baby and covid lockdown happened, it was just even more sporadic.

Honestly, I’ve been very spacey and flakey since 2010 when I gave birth to my first daughter. The two years following that beautiful life-changing event, my shaky marriage to my “high school sweetheart” finally ended in the worst way I could’ve anticipated. The blind love and trust of youth is so wonderful to experience, but it makes it difficult to see when things are unhealthy or toxic. Unfortunately I did a lot of things to just get through and it started to feel like I was just a problem no matter what situation I was in. I started to feel I was unlovable.

This has sent me on a journey to build a life that I truly want and choose which I never felt I was able to do before in my life. So since around 2012-2014 when some more extremely traumatic things occurred in my life (some of which being an emergency life saving surgery, the death of my one stability: my cat I lived with since age 11, and some things I can’t even mention here) I decided that it was time. It was time for me to face all of the horrors that I was hiding from. I decided that it was time. It was time for me to face all of the horrors that I was hiding from. That I was stuffing down. Sometimes I imagine writing a memoir, or even a fiction book about some of the things that I experienced in those years, but because I have had my daughters, I’m not necessarily sure that would be good for them to have access to at these ages. Or probably any ages. Maybe one day I will write under a pen name, but I have so many large projects that I am already behind on that. I just can’t imagine adding that to the list.

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Design Your Life

Me to Me: Stop Stifling Yourself To Make Others Happy

07/15/2020

It’s been quite a long while that I’ve been on this journey of self acceptance. Long ago there was an anonymous submission area on my blog and I got the sweetest message from a reader who said, “I wish you would be yourself and embrace it instead of hiding behind _____.”

I did hide. I hid behind my mom as a child, I hid behind Ben (my first love) as a teen/young adult, and I even hid behind Audrey Kitching and some other friends I did design for (I wasn’t as codependent with them) online and played with offline. I gave Audrey my illustrations and original artwork, I sent her inspirations daily, I blogged for her, I designed for her. We were close then, but I was always in the shadows. She would sometimes copy other designs from other artists and I didn’t want to promote any of my work because I was afraid if I took credit for my Tokyolux cats, designs, and pop art that it would be assumed I was taking credit for ALL of the copies as well.

Let’s get to know each other again.

That often happens to people who were traumatized in their youth. I was happy to create amazing things that everyone loved as long as I got to be in the background and no one really knew me.

When going through divorce or trauma it’s easy to do whatever you can to forget your memories and the pain. Embarrassingly enough, I imploded and “acted a fool.” I even pushed a lot of those friends in that community away back then. I met them all one last time at a Sanrio VIP party right near the end of my shadow self life. I was tired of being in the box I allowed myself to be placed in and I just freaked out and ran away.

I closed my store and I stopped updating my website. I fell off the online world to hide from it and isolated myself.

I’m super into SELKIE right now.

Now I’m 35 and I feel like I’ve been starting all over the last few years. I started traveling again and participating in shows in LA and NYC again (prior to the CORONAVIRUS of course). I started reconnecting with my old friends again. Like actually connecting. As myself.

I also started, 3 years ago, doing work for myself and I’m learning how to be comfortable promoting ME and MY WORK. IT’S HARD. It’s hard everyday. I often slink away and still struggle with quieting myself because I’m afraid. I’m afraid of what you will think of me or what you will say if I’m not who you expect or want me to be…

… but I’m done with that! I’m pushing myself harder each day to be MYSELF for ME. Not anyone else. I’m set on not becoming anything for anyone else. Except of course a loving mom who encourages her daughters to be powerful and NEVER stifle theirselves for ANYONE.

Thanks for coming along. I hope you brought snacks. xx

I haven’t released this anywhere else yet! The new Deericorn pendant at long last!!!
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