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Design Your Life

Three Things That Aren’t Worth Crying About and Why

06/22/2010

“Your To-Do List, is crying on there? If not then get busy.”
– Glamour Magazine

I truly cannot even begin to tell you how many times I’ve crumbled under the weight of all of the things I scribbled on my on-going ‘to-do list.’ It seemed like my life was run by a piece of scratch paper folded in my pocket. We know that it’s common, that it happens to all girls, but that doesn’t lighten the load in the slightest.

Well, not too long ago, someone mentioned something called a ‘Get To-Do List.’ Self explanatory, writing down all of the things that we get to do. And it definitely helps put your priorities in place and appreciate all of things that you get, and unknowingly take for granted.

clock

Get To-Do List

1. Go to the gym
Because: I have working legs and arms I get to work out.
Because: Nothing health-wise prevents me from working out. Some people don’t have limbs to run with or arms to lift weights with. I’m so glad I’ve been blessed with this opportunity.
2. Clean the house
Because: I’m fortunate enough to have a roof over my head, a house to clean and things to clean up.
3. Finish that term paper
Because: I’m fortunate enough to be able to get an education. Most of the people in the world don’t get to go to school and learn things. Even though it’s not always the most interesting way to spend my time, an education is such a precious privilege of mine.
4. Do laundry
Because: I have clothes and things to wash those clothes in. Some people wear rags. Or nothing.

See the difference between this and your regular list?

Boys (or Girls). Period.

We’ve all done it., sobbed into our pillow because a boy (or girl) broke our heart. Your chest literally hurts. And as cliché as it sounds, the truth is that it’s never ever worth it.

If he completely rejects you, then it’s probably for the best. Does it hurt to feel rejected? Certainly. But it hurts so much more to be in a one-sided relationship, or to be used. Besides, he’s obviously not worth it if he can’t even see what a wonderful pair you two would make like you do. That being said, there are most certainly cases where said boy is genuinely looking out for the best interest of everyone involved. Sometimes, not all the time, but sometimes, the boy says so not because the attractions not there, but because he knows he’s not ready and it’s not fair to either of you to pursue a relationship. Point being, if he’s straightforward and honest, it may hurt, but it’s no reason to cry. Shake it off, it happens to everyone.

If he leaves you for another (yes, even your best friend)/cheated on you, definitely not worth the water works. Why would you cry over someone so immature and downright cruel? No one like that should have power over how you feel. And as for the girl, should she be someone close to you, she obviously doesn’t have concern for your feelings, and youmight want to reevaluate your friendship.

If you never got your chance with him, there’s probably a reason for that. While I do believe that there are ” ones who got away”, I also believe in fate, and that it will eventually bring you to whoever you belong with when you are both ready. So if you feel like you never had a shot, maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe you should direct your focus elsewhere and wait for fate to take it’s course.

Spilled Milk

If you can’t fix it, there’s a reason for that. Move on and look toward the future.

Diary

Miseducated Scrapbook: Online Art Journaling

04/12/2010

Yikes! I’ve missed you so much lately and getting to be creative in both work and play. This past week was entirely draining but I left it feeling much more enlightened (..and slow ..and tired .. and pregnant).

I have never experienced happiness like this, absolute fulfillment.. Colette opened a new book of endless inspiration and motivation to create the world we want.

Did I tell you she’s kicking now?

So anyway, as of recently I’ve been getting back into keeping my sketch/idea book up to date and I’ve found out that still the craft of art journaling is still so fun and addicting. I decided to share it with you and inspire you to do your own journal, letters or scrapbooks! Big plans for these so if you’re interested in contributing please let me know!

So I’ve written you a little letter..

As for inspiration.. hit up your local thrift store and flip through the vintage magazines. When I feel uninspired I take a break with my magazine collection and then I imagine ways to translate home decor into web design and graphic art. It’s even great for inspiration to just relax and read as I’ve said before. Remember, a 20 minute break can help tremendously!

Until later, stay sweet, inspired and colorful.

letter

Diary

Inside her Stomach is Her Heart

02/02/2010

Occassionally I’ll get personal and I’ll let you peek into the nonsensical world I call my own. I adore reading your stories and connecting with you, so I feel the best thanks is to be honest and sharing as well.

rainbow bunny

Me? Pregnant? Surely not.. I’d always been told it would be tough for me to conceive if not impossible. I had stopped taking my birth control for about a year now and I had to admit I felt a little strange.

Many friends in the past had told me, “You just know.” .. and I had found that very hard to believe, but here I was feeling the same way they described. Something was different. I began to feel constantly nauseated and went to the dr assuming I had caught some sort of flu. They wanted to do a pregnancy test and as they excitedly sprinted back into the room I knew what the result was.

“.. So are you trying to have a baby? It’s positive!”

My husband looked at the ceiling in absolute shock, tears of happiness along with smiles and a lot of “are you serious??” We had always wanted to someday.. but just weren’t sure if it would happen so we didn’t put a lot of pressure on it. I had hardly considered a baby and here I was expecting. We left with some shots and tests ecstatic beyond our wildest imaginations. .. So we have a new family member?

I’ve tried not to get too attached to the idea and waited to tell everyone because deep down inside I worry that something will be wrong but there it is, nestled in my abdomen safe and sound. It’s too good to be true. I’m so excited to meet them, care for them and show them the world. It’s been my absolute dream to weave a childhood of happiness and sweet memories with my husband.

I’m 17 weeks pregnant now and in three weeks we’ll find out if the baby is a girl or a boy — we’re excited for either, of course! I’m pretty feminine so a girl would easily become the center of my world, but with the unsurpassable love I experienced when my nephew was born and as he has grown, I know I’ll be absolutely pleased with a healthy boy or girl.

Oh, Miseducated, how I miss you and our talks — I’ve developed a new schedule so that I’ll have more time for my very favorite project, you. In the future you’ll meet my newest work of art, the baby of my dreams.

Design Your Life

Book Review: ‘The Secret’ Starts Motivation

01/21/2010
thesecret

For the past few weeks, my life hasn’t really been what I’ve wanted. I was starting to feel distant from my friends, unmotivated in my classes, and just generally down in the dumps. The end of the semester left me drained, and I was looking for something that would turn my mood around. When I heard The Secret(by Rhonda Byrne) mentioned on a talk show, I became instantly intrigued. From how it was described, this book talked about how thinking positively can bring about instantaneous changes in your life. If you live your life based on The Secret, you can have whatever you want, whether that is love, money, health, or opportunity.

So I thought to myself: Love? Money? Happiness? Just by thinking? Count me in! I picked up a copy of The Secret from the bookstore on campus and started reading it right away. It starts with introducing what the secret is. According to this book, the secret to living is the law of attraction. Thoughts attract like thoughts. If you are thinking about being sad, the Universe will think you want MORE sad things to think about, so those will be delivered to you. Well, that made sense to me, so I kept reading. It then proceeded to explain how thanking the Universe in advance will bring things into existence. For example, if you are sick, say to the Universe “Thank you for making me healthy.” The Universe will see that you are grateful and deliver on that health. Also, if you pretend you have what you want, you will soon have it in real life. If you visualize the life you want to have, that will be the life you WILL have. Sounds easy enough right?

Well I decided to put the secret to the test. I figured I would just aim for small things, since those come into existence quicker. For my first test, I wanted to see if I could get attention from a boy I have been interested in. I visualized myself with him for a few minutes then went back to my day. About ten minutes later, I got a text from said boy. Coincidence? Maybe. But wait, there’s more. Over the past few days, he has been paying a lot of attention to me. More texts, hanging out, instant messaging. Other than the visualization, I haven’t done anything to attract this attention. So for test one, I declared success.

My other test was incredibly small. I was having some pain in my foot as I went to sleep last night, and the pain was keeping me awake. I began thanking the universe for keeping my body pain-free. Almost instantly, the pain in my foot went away. By this point, my faith in the secret was definitely building.

I plan on utilizing this secret more and more, and I’m interested to see how things turn out. If you believe in the power of positive thinking, I would recommend picking up a copy and trying it for yourself. And if you have any interesting stories about how the secret worked for you, I would love to hear them!

Design Your Life

Design Your Own Career: Part Two

01/02/2010

Part Two: The Essential Elements of Entrepreneurialism

“He who would learn to fly one day must first learn to stand and walk and run and climb and dance; one cannot fly into flying.” – Nietzsche

Hopefully, from our work together on the previous post you’ll have some idea of the unique career you want to build. Now is the time to look at what is required from you to achieve this, and how you can acquire, cultivate and harvest these traits to your best advantage. Even if you haven’t 100% pinned down your ideal career, working on this in the mean time will only serve to enhance your prospects.

That ladder again…

Designing your own career is not a clear-cut thing, so it does not merely entail clear-cut procedures to attain it, like achieving basic qualifications, writing an average CV or applying for an advertised position. Your own career requires more; it requires passion; it requires initiative and brazen ambition; it requires jumping on all opportunities, and manufacturing the opportunities if they don’t exist; it has to justify itself by the very splendor that the ‘work’ brings you, before you even begin to contemplate the money you could make.

That said, you shouldn’t lose sight of the practical measures in the design of your own career if you want to make a practical living from it. As I previously highlighted: whether we opt for the conventional or creative career, we are still on a ladder. The only difference is who chooses the steps.

You need to conjure your own steps, and then take them with dedication.

I strongly advise writing down your prospective steps if you’re serious about success. Designing your own career isn’t easy, in fact it requires far, far more work than any other option, but you must love this work, or at least love the thought of where it will take you enough to bury yourself in even its most mundane elements with reckless abandon.

I can’t stress enough how strongly you have to want to design your own career if it is ever going to happen, it has to burst out of you like bubbles from a shaken can – if it seems too much like hard work now, know that it’ll get harder before it gets any easier. I don’t say this to put you off, not at all; I’m here to encourage you! I simply want to portray the seriousness of what you’re embarking upon, this is a huge part of your life, so do it right.

But back to those steps…

Here’s a guideline:

Where you are now. Education and ambition, laying foundations by getting qualified and testing the water. A time for work-experience, seeking a mentor etc.
Establish a product. A book, a collection of paintings or photography, a brand, a form of design, a celebrity self, a voice, a viewpoint etc.
Refine, improve, and update product.
Sell product. Look at ways to sell more product/ market product. Create a website, go on tour, create flyers, get a stand at an event etc.
Refine, improve, and update product.
Expand on product; bring in outside help. Create more products/more angles to your one main product.
Let others sell product for you, whether commercial or not. Affiliate programs, Amazon, local stores or galleries.
Refine, improve, and update product.
Take product elsewhere, into new markets, perhaps re-branding it.
Ultimate goal. (Mansion? Fame? Florida retirement?)

You are always selling a product in any career, whether that product is yourself, your art, a service – you have something to offer, and you receive recompense in return. This is your product, but call it whatever you like: your offering, your merchandise, your ideas.

Don’t feel like you have to stick closely to the above guidelines, your own career is your own, after all, and the steps will be uniquely yours. Just make them clear, measurable, and place them somewhere you’ll look at often and repeatedly.

The top three traits to entrepreneurialism and designing you own career.

There is no magic formula that mixes to make you an instant entrepreneur. You should know already if you have a passion strong enough to carry you along your own unique career path, and that is the only real starting point. However, here are three factors I consider the most important in any aspiring artistic tycoon.

Be inspired because…

“If you have to support yourself, you had bloody well better find some way that is going to be interesting.” – Katherine Hepburn

You have to find a medium of work that has you jumping out of bed at 5am because you can’t wait to get started (okay, maybe 8am…); one that has projects ticking over in your mind all day and that you can viably dedicate hours upon hours of your time to, for what is often little or no pay to begin with.

Be sure to protect and nurture this inspiration, not take it for granted; take yourself on a cultural outing once in a while, make time for watching interesting movies, read books, and carry a notebook to catch your best brainwaves like butterflies in a jar. Think of your source of inspiration as a well that needs to be replenished often.

Be Fearless because…

“You’ve got to jump off cliffs, all the time, and build your wings on the way down.” – Ray Bradbury

You must be genuinely prepared for hard work and possible failures in the quest for your own career; but know that failing is never truly failing if we can take a lesson from it. Take chances, even if you don’t fully know what the outcome will be, even if you are only 60% prepared. Jump in at the deep end and you’ll probably find you can float, if not swim laps!

Be a risk-taker and an authenticist (new favorite made-up word meaning someone who is true to themselves.) If an opportunity scares you, it’s probably the exact one you should take. Dream big dreams and get a successful mindset because, if you act like a success, you will eventually realize success.

Be a Leader because…

“If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything.” – Michael Evans

Have a message you want to spread and a clear goal in mind at all times, or else you’re liable to stray from it. Not that this goal should be unbending, but you need to at least be aware if it does morph into something else. Prepare an elevator pitch (aptly named to be short enough to say on an average elevator ride i.e. one to three minutes) if the ideal time to sell your product should arise unexpectedly; keep all your dealings consistent with this pitch.

Form your tribe.

Common Problems with the Creative Career

The above is all well and good, but we have to prepare ourselves for the bumps and knocks of entrepreneurialism too. Like in any conventional career, you will encounter blocks on the creative path. Often, though, these blocks will be internal issues, not external ones – making them simultaneously easier (you’re the only issue to get over, no middle man or external barrier) to be got over, and more difficult (changing yourself is notoriously tricky when you are the only person there to answer to; requires immense will.)

Again, this isn’t with an aim to put you off, but to arm you with a mindset to defeat them, and to help you understand why you’ll need to get good at the positive traits I’ve already mentioned.

Time-management

The bad news is that this is something you’ll have to get good at. The good news is that the way you do this is totally up to you. When it’s your own work, deadlines will often be wishy-washy or even non-existent, but what if you’re just not that organized generally? You need to construct a system for how you deal with your time, whether that’s ‘every night from 6-8’ or ‘I feel so inspired, I’m just going to spend all day on my art, even if I do nothing for the rest of the week’.

You must get to know your productive self and how that self thrives: first thing in the morning, last thing at night, on the weekend, at the library, with a laptop in Starbucks etc. You need to write down a system that works for you, even if you avoid anything too specific. For more on time-management, read my article on How to Avoid Procrastination.

Lack of Opportunities

On the last first part of this series I received this from a reader: “…what stands in my way are the meagre opportunities and the lack of support from family and friends who do not believe in setting up a creative career, and hence won’t help in finances and the like.” My words on finances will come later in the series, but opportunities and support are essential factors to be overcome in all creative endeavors.

Believe me, opportunities are out there. Seek and you will find. If opportunities don’t seem to exist, you must take action to create them. Dedicate a day to trawling the internet with keyword Google searches and save your findings in a ‘Favorites’ folder. There are people out there, just like you, succeeding in what you want to do; link up with them, get work experience with them, interview them for a blog, find out how they got where they are and mimic it.

Find courses you can take in or around your subject, as this is often the best way to meet real, working professionals in the business. Meet other creative people in your community; even if their skills differ from yours, you can work together. For example, a web designer could assist a photographer to build a website, and the photographer could return the favor with help on promotional pictures.

Lack of Support

Going it alone career-wise is very often championed by the introvert. Why? Because it can be a lonely business; it requires someone who is happy to depend on themselves and spend a great deal of time working over their own thoughts and ideas. I’ve been lucky, I feel I can achieve great things because of the support network I have, but I know this isn’t always the case. Financial support can be sourced elsewhere (more information on this to come later) but emotional support of friends and family is truly priceless – and without it you can feel a bit lost.

Join a community, whether locally or online, no matter your niche, one will exist somewhere. If it doesn’t – set one up, even if it’s only a Facebook group. This kind of support won’t act as a replacement for that of close personal relationships, but it can surely help, and who knows what will come of the links you will forge.

Depending on your situation, if you believe in yourself enough and start to see small successes, your family and friends will come around. You have to look for the positive, create the positive, and you will find that you will attract positivity.

Dealing with People

Despite what I’ve said on the subject of support, an independent career will never be 100% you and you alone. Whether you’re collaborating, targeting a certain market, networking – whatever – you need to know about people, even if that’s a very small niche of people. It’s in your interest to learn how to interact, impress, excite and enlighten your public – as much for their benefit as your own. Establish yourself as a go-to person in your business, and your success will only grow.

Consider this your initiation into the world of your dream career! Next up will be Part Three: Love & Learning in Equal Measure where I’ll consider questions of gratitude and education, before we move on to the essential question of cold hard cash in Part Four: Making Your Passion Pay.

Design Your Life

Design Your Own Career: Part One

12/08/2009

Part One: What’s Your Calling?

“The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can’t find them, make them.” – George Bernard Shaw

Convention, we nearly all assign ourselves to it on some level or another; whether it’s three square meals a day, two point four children or a standard curriculum education. However, there comes a point in the life of your average creative when they realize convention just won’t cut it for them any longer, most powerfully when it comes to their careers.

Sometimes, even though it would be easier for an individual to ignore their talent, their desires, their dreams, and opt for habitual obedience and a fixed wage, they just can’t quite swallow the dry pill that is the conventional career. Is this you? Then this series is here to help.

Whether you’ve got no idea where to start, or you’re a seasoned freelancer looking to get back to basics, ‘How to Design Your Own Career’ will take you from the very basics of figuring out just what it is you should be doing, the traits you’ll need to be successful in that career, getting qualified and making it pay. From artists to jewelery designers, writers to life coaches and more – it’s in your hands to create a self-sufficient, fulfilling and profitable career. So, how about it?

What should you be doing?

“Your work is to discover your work and then with all your heart to give yourself to it.” – Buddha

You may know that a conventional career isn’t for you, what you may not know is which creative path you’d like to take. Deciding early on is desirable, as the more work you can put in now, the sooner you’ll get there. For sure success, you’ll also want to stoke a very organic, fiery desire within yourself, aimed at a certain path.

However, the creative mind is oftentimes a confused one – there’s just too much going on in there! For that reason, it may take a little self-research to conclude just what it is that you want to make your living doing.

If you’re stuck, try this exercise:

1. Find yourself a private space where you can sit comfortably, equipped with a notepad, pen, warm drink and perhaps some motivating music playing quietly. Gather five to ten items that interest, excite or inspire you. For example: a great book you’ve read (fiction or non-fiction) a magazine clipping, a beautiful image or photograph, a piece of jewellery or clothing, a CD or DVD etc. Try to vary the items as much as possible (although this isn’t essential) and spread them out in front of you.

2. Study the items and try to note down answers to the following questions:

  • What unifies them?
  • Imagine they were the belongings of a fictional character (i.e. not yourself) what would that character be like? Could you aspire to be more like this character? What career would fulfil this character?
  • With each item individually, try to create another item from it. For example, a Jazz CD could relate to a Jazz club (real or imagined) and you can picture how the Jazz club would be decorated, perhaps with a mural or mix of antique furniture.
  • Of all the items, real and imagined, which feels most exciting or ‘hottest’ to you?

3. Leave your notes for a day or so, and then return to them in the same setting. Brainstorm careers around the ideas you generated, even if they don’t exist, even if they’re silly, even if you don’t believe for one minute that you could make a living out of them.

4. Further questions you might like to ask yourself and brainstorm from are: what do you most often think about? (Food, fashion, a certain sport etc.) What do you most often read about? (What kind of article would you stop to read in a magazine, or what book would you pick up in a library?) What is currently on your mind? (When you’ll get a chance to watch that new movie, or your next holiday etc.) Again, what feels ‘hottest’?

5. Once you have certain topics in mind that inspire you, think about how you could make a career from them. What are the different ways people have done this? Who are they? How did they do it? How could you do it differently?

What you should know is that any career, any career you can think of, is made up of a series of ‘steps’. This, low and behold, is why it is called ‘the career ladder’! All you need to do is determine what these steps are, from your current position, and start taking them.

If your creative career doesn’t exist – create it! Thanks to the internet, the world of work is changing. The middle man’s days are numbered and we are freer than ever when it comes to how we can generate income. Online business is lucrative for the individual, and can be forged from an almost innumerable amount of hobbies, skills and interests.

Many people think they need a ‘big break’, or lots of money to begin with, and this can be the case, but don’t you think that even if you just reach, say, step seven, you’re far more likely to be noticed for your hypothetical ‘big break’ than if you lounge around at step zero? Precisely.

The truth is, the career of the creative is often made up like a tapestry, weaving together several income streams, some more attractive than others. Many people take the option of what we’ll call ‘half creative’ living, where they work a part-time or even full time job, and pursue a creative career alongside it. If followed with enough ambition, this option can often lead to ‘fully creative’ living.

Only you can know which choice is right for you but, if you’re really serious about designing your own career, you need to dedicate as much time as possible and, if not, have a strict regime of how you’ll use the time that you can dedicate. We’ll look more at time-keeping, and other positive traits you’ll need to develop for successfully creating your own career, in the next part of the series.

Design Your Life

How Well Do You Know Yourself?

12/02/2009

Your relationship with yourself defines so many aspects of your life. So how is it? Do you know what you want and who you are? Do you have a strong sense of self? How do you know?

Think about your morals and values. Where are your limits and boundaries in life? What do you cherish or hold valuable?

What about your personal relationships? Who do you hold close to you and why? What traits do you value in a person? How do you interact in these relationships?

Picture your ideal life. What’s in it? Who’s there with you?

Think about your past, especially focusing on crucial events. How did you react then? How would you react now? How have you evolved as a person? Are you still hung up on something that happened in the past? Why? How will you get past it?

What goals do you have in life? Where do you want them to and what do you hope to learn?

What influences you in your life? The opinions of others or your own? Who inspires you? Why?

Think about your childhood and how you’ve been shaped as a person. How were you influenced as a child?

Where do your passions lie? What do you love doing? How can you do that for the rest of your life?

What should you do if you can’t answer these questions?

It’s time to do some soul searching and self analysis. One thing I find helpful is to make yourself a “Self Exploration Notebook” where you can write down all these questions and start to answer them as you think about them. Think of it as making a map of yourself. You can even go further and start to ask yourself different questions that really make you think. Try to take time to write in it every day and see what you come up with.

Consider yourself as the world views you. Think about what kind of an impact you’re making and how those closest to you view you. Think about how a complete stranger views you. Is it how you view yourself? If not, what’s different?

Take time to evaluate all of your relationships. Think about family ties, romantic relationships, and close friends. Are these healthy relationships? How do they impact your life?

Consider the endless possibilities that you are faced with in your life. You can do anything and with all those options you’ve got to sit down and think about them. Think about your happiness and the path that leads toward it.

Continue to get to know yourself better every day. Think about your actions and the drive behind them. Think about your choices and the reasons you make them. Think about your daily interactions and how they affect you. It’s never time to stop exploring. Your map is constantly changing.

Don’t give up. Even if you’re a stranger to yourself the benefits of finding who you are as a person are endless. It’s one of the most important things you’ll ever do.

Design Your Life

What’s So Fake About You?

11/18/2009

What comes with knowing yourself? Oftentimes it’s too overwhelming and intimidating, and we return to our previous patterns. If we’re persistent enough to embrace who we really are, it can still be a lonely road. Sometimes, finding out the truth about ourselves just seems to be too much trouble. So we keep making the same mistakes and falling into the same patterns because we haven’t really unwound and understood the root of these patterns in the first place!

Someone once (or twice) said, know thyself. Let’s see; the Oracle of Delphi, Jesus, well, heck, about everybody worth mentioning has some twist on it. Why? Most of us who have been in therapy, read numerous self-help books, etc., are left being mostly acutely aware of what is wrong with us and eventually head back to the barn (what’s familiar). There is only so much we can take. And those of us who hang in there still complain of the loneliness and austere life it seems the road less traveled requires. “To Hell with it!” we say, “Life is short and I need a reward for all this vigilance and self-examination, arrgh…pass the Kool-Aid.” So, we continue the search, now seeking elsewhere for guidance, and perhaps decide Popeye was right, “I am what I am” and get on with life.

If knowing the truth and ourselves is that much trouble, I can’t be bothered: I have bills to pay, mountains to climb, kids to feed, men to seduce (who will hopefully rescue me from it all), women to charm (who will hopefully distract me from my failures), pounds to lose, wrinkles to conquer, a legacy to leave so I can get to Happily Ever After already. So we ditch Buddha for Santa Claus (& Popeye) and keep looking for the secret. “Know thyself, ha!” we mutter and join the proverbial “if ya can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em” crowd.

We manage to skate for a while on our latest distractions: a new love interest, new job, new cosmetic procedure, sudden influx of cash, new handbag or project. Yet the gap between how we act and who we are widens, and no matter what we tell ourselves, eventually the suffering returns, most of it silent. And we wonder why. So we up the dues: get more sex, more stuff, more money, more attention, better projects, a different house, another baby, another job, travel (that’s it! I need a vacation!), a face lift, a tummy tuck, lose 20 pounds, a younger wife, get another degree, REDECORATE for God’s sake… THIS IS AMERICA! The pursuit of happiness is my birthright!

Beneath the façade of fake smiles and the it’s all good story swells the raging sea of discontent, the cauldron of disappointment, chilled by terror and fueled by resentment that things are not different. This cocktail is lethal—we chase it down with envy and regret as the elusive dream slips further away.

According to scientists, our daily behavior is 90% subconscious. From years one to five a projection reel spliced with trauma, false beliefs and genetic inheritance has been cast upon our nubile brains: the reel continually spins out our reality, like the daily press, in predictable neural loops over our lifetime. It seems who we are is simply who someone else (“they”) told us to be. Most of us were duped and now are understandably pissed, as we find interrupting these patterns and uncovering who we really are feels like trying to stop a nose-diving 747 jet with a diaphragm.

You might cry, “Why do I pretend to be more than I am, have more than I have? Why do I feel that I am not enough, why don’t I want what I have, how come happiness escapes me, why do I believe that when I get (blank) everything will be okay, but that never seems to come?” The good news is, what is fake about you is NOT who you are! Who you are is magnificent, eternal, and unique. Yet until we know this true self we feel trapped in a life directed by an unconscious dictator, our subconscious beliefs and patterns.

While you may be tired, overwhelmed and have no bandwidth right now as survival is taking its toll, as my mother would say, “Don’t give up 5 minutes before the miracle.” Here is an exercise that may help you reignite your search for freedom of being, as well as put some pep back in your step—the energy it takes to pretend to be someone you are not, be fake, is extraordinary.

What’s fake about me? Exercise

1. Get a piece of paper and write down all the things that are fake about you (you may burn after reading, of course). Examples might be that you are:

Fake skinny: you spend an inordinate amount of time watching your weight so that people will find you attractive or so you will feel loved or seen. You fear that if you were fat you would never be happy, popular, get a man, be loved or accepted.

Fake nice: you spend much of your time trying to make people like you, manipulating your circumstances by being nice so you can get what you want, while underneath you seethe with resentment or envy of those who don’t seem to care what others think.

Fake rich: you pretend to be successful, you have mortgaged your life so others will think you are a person of worth, you lease your car that you cannot afford, buy clothes to create a false image, live in a house beyond your means, etc.

You get the idea, go ahead and explore all the fake parts: fake smart, because you believe you need to know so you can hide your fear of being inept or stupid; fake pretty, in hopes of being perfect-looking so you can finally be important, special or loved; fake happy, because you know people don’t want to hear your problems and would never want to be around someone as depressed and messed up as you really feel. Fake straight, fake sexy, fake sensitive, fake caring, fake in control, fake good mom, fake happy marriage, fake great relationship, fake healthy, fake spiritual, and on and on. Let it out. You have an opportunity to relieve yourself of the burden of living this secret life by simply admitting it!

2. Be with it. Sit down with what’s fake about you and move deeper into it. Exaggerate it, even. Give it a voice. Let the fake part or parts have a turn telling you about themselves. You might be surprised at what they have to say!

3. Feel it. Whatever feeling or emotions come, let yourself have them. Like a wave, they will not hurt you; they will wash through you and heal you if you have the courage to feel them all the way. (It could be helpful to have an enlightened witness to share this part of the process with, someone you trust to your core.)

4. Allow it. Relaxing into this allowing, comes freedom. In the acceptance comes understanding and then compassion. Including all our parts allows us greater freedom of being. Developing unconditional love for ourselves expands our capacity for intimacy and joy.

5. Know this is not all of who you are. My teacher Kathy reminds me of this fact all the time. I feel relieved and all at once welcomed back to the human race and condition. We find our right size again. This perspective gives space for a sense of peace and well-being, room to breathe and dream forward your heart’s true desires again. Your soul shines, your authentic self is free to be!
Namasté and blessings, freedom seekers!

Design Your Life

Develop Great Mate-dar!

09/28/2009

You’re single and want to meet that someone special NOW! Especially since we are on the cusp of the holidays, right? So naturally your Mate-dar (your ability to suss out a great mate) is turned up a notch. Or so you think. Truth is, Mate-dar is only as good as its end user.

So, whatever the reason, you’re on the prowl for a significant other. Maybe you feel you’re ready for a commitment. Maybe you’re looking for companionship. So you feel like your “Mate-dar” (your ability to suss out a great mate) is in full force, turned up top notch. But the truth is – even if you have the purest of intentions for seeking out a relationship – nobody’s Mate-dar is perfect.
The problem—or, should I say, one of the many challenges— with being human is knowing the difference between who we are and who we are not. Making the all-important distinction between our unconscious persona and our authentic, healthy, whole selves. Until we have addressed this process it is likely that our wounded little kid has a hold of an adult tool, waving it around like a toy, and then BANG! somebody gets hurt. Our Mate-dar, when operated by our 5-year-old wound, can get us into a lot of trouble—as would any part of ourselves we have not made peace with, healed or become aware of on some level.

In the case of seeking a great partner, when we are seeing through the eyes of a wound we are less likely to see clearly! This can show up in different ways (boy, can they be tricky, slippery and subtle all at once), most of them falling under the guise of denial or rationalization.

Here’s a great story to illustrate how elusive accessing our very own truth can be.
My husband, David, got on the scale this morning. I could hear the clang and distinct argh. “How can that be? I gained four pounds? I have only been eating lettuce all week, for crying out loud.” I tried to comfort him by saying that muscle weighs more than fat, and then burst out laughing, realizing that’s what I told myself last time I got on the scale. After we lavished one and another with a few more excuses, we decided that the scale was broken and we needed to get a new one. One that told us what we wanted to hear! That we were not fat!

I have learned it’s one thing to sit around and bitch and moan wishing things were different, and another to do something about it. So I went for a run, then later we went to get the scale. Apparently doing a little of both.

pretty in pink

“It’s never a good idea to weigh yourself late in the day, sweetie” I reminded him as he stepped off the fancy glass scale in Bed Bath and Beyond, that seconds before had held such promise. “Yeah, but this one says I weigh even more than the one at home—did I gain four more pounds since we left?” I wasn’t laughing, as I was about to climb on. Mind you, I don’t make it a habit to get on scales—I know all too well they are not my friends, because I almost never feel better about myself as a result! How bad could it be? I thought. I run and eat well and anyway I would know if I… “What the…? A hundred and…? Wow, I don’t know what to say, except …that scale can’t be right!” I leapt off like it was a bed of hot coals.

“Oh, look, here’s one that tells you how much muscle versus fat you have, and it will show us how much water we are retaining! Let’s try it. You go first!” I said. David placed the Ferrari version of a scale on the floor, took his flip-flops off again and stepped on. “Uh oh…uhhhh… Wait, try that one, that’s just a regular old scale,” and quickly pointed to another. He put the Ferrari one back, put the next one on the floor and hopped on. We both waited as it calculated. “Well, this one says the same thing as the one at home does,” he shrugged. ‘Which means—uh…we’re fat, right?” We both laughed, let it sink in for a minute, and then decided that since we were ready to admit the truth, that we weighed more than we wanted to, we might as well buy the really cool one that told us in great detail all about it.

What the heck does this have to do with relationships? That’s a very good question, and if you answered “Everything!” you are definitely smarter than the average bear!

Pay attention, ‘cause this is some heavy. It doesn’t get any more real than this kind of reality. A huge contributor, if not a top ten reason so many of us don’t have a GREAT relationship, is—we don’t tell ourselves (or others) the truth. It’s an exact proportion, as a matter of fact! Think about it. Let’s say I asked you right now to write down your name, how much you weigh, how much you make a year, the color of your eyes, hair, your shoe size, how tall you are, where you live. Nine out of ten of you would lie about at least half. The rest of you would at least exaggerate or minimize. Don’t believe me, go grab the next person you see and tell them how much you really weigh. How tall you are, to the centimeter. What color your hair really is. How old you actually are. Go down the list; if you are honest with yourself, you will see how often we lie about the most mundane things. Why? Because of what we make it mean:

I weigh X = I am fat = no one will want/love me
I am X years old = I am too old = no one will love me
I am five feet X = too short (or tall) = no one wants that = no one will want me
My real hair color is X = I am unattractive = no one will love me
I make X amount of money = I am poor = no one will want to be with me/love me

So we do what my husband and I tried to do. We slip right into the old river called Denial. We begin with some simple rationalizations, adding or taking away a zero here and there. What harm can it do? we think, Who cares? If I don’t care, why should anyone else? Well, that’s the problem. You do care, or you wouldn’t bother lying—especially to yourself!

You can see how easy it is to miss cues, red flags and warnings or signs from another person that they really aren’t interested. Our agenda for love can be so strong, our wound-ology so ingrained, that it actually distorts reality! Here are some recommendations to help develop or adjust our Mate-dar.

One of my favorites is to interview people who have the kind of relationship you want. If you can’t interview, at least pay attention and jot down some features that stand out for you!

Date yourself seriously. Yes, seriously…date yourself. Make a date, get ready for it, pick the place you want yourself to take yourself, the whole nine, and do it. How do you like your own company, what do you notice about yourself?
Interview yourself. Yeah, why not? Who are you? What do you want out of life? What’s your five-year plan, what is your relationship history? Ask yourself all the questions you would ask of another, and see how you react or what comes up for you.

Have a few practice dates with real people to see how well your intuition is working. Yes, a date where you actually try and work on your weakness. Maybe you even ask the person for feedback about you and see how your perceptions compare. Could be very enlightening, if you have the courage!

Look, if you don’t take care to do these things, or things like this, for yourself, why would you expect anyone else to? Awakening to consciousness is not for lightweights—it’s hard work, and you got want the good stuff! Like I always say, great relationships begin within. Don’t kid yourself!

Escapeland

Words of Love Association Game

09/28/2009

Everyone feels love differently and understands it in a way that is special to them. We’ve all probably played a word associaion game.. if not, it’s definately time!

So what is a word association game exactly?

Complete the phrase ‘Love is…’ with your own associations of love.

Love is…

Benjamin Amick
good.

Jeff Ackenback
a monkey in a trench coat?

Kiley Kellermeyer
my kittens!

Ashley Nordin
all around you.

Chelsea Ling
all you need.

David Cunningham
blindness.

Jennifer Oquendo Vasquez
soooooo complicated… but true love can overcome anything. =)

Bluey McBlue
Love is something you cannot put into words. Real and true love is something you can almost touch. You feel it throughout your entire body and to your very core. Love is something that tests you, good and bad through trials and tribulations. Love is a gift yet a curse.

Kris Arnold
a pint of rum, plane ticket to el paso, and a dwarf companion named frito that is skilled in square dancing.

Charlie Clark
a fruit basket.