There are some people who look at themselves and don’t see the need to work on anything. They’re awesome just they way they are. I’m not one of those people.
I’m a person who is always searching myself to see what I need to work on to make myself a more loving, compassionate, caring human being. I’m pretty sure that started when I was 15.
That year, I prayed and asked God to show me how others saw me. And I hated what I saw as a result of that prayer. I was harsh and extremely judgmental. I was defensive and quick to bite back. I wasn’t well liked (probably even by my fiends) and it wasn’t hard to see why.
There were hurts and wounds that had caused that behavior, but I was responsible for how I allowed those hurts to effect how I treated others. Hurting people Tend to hurt other people. I didn’t want to be a source of that kind of hurt towards another person.
I’ve prayed that same prayer many times over the years. I’ve been surprised that I didn’t really have anything revealed to me. I’ve been listening and searching and couldn’t see the specific areas I felt I needed to work on.
This past week, I’ve had a couple people tell me some very sweet things. That I deal gently with others feelings. That I am knowledgeable but not pushy in how I share the things I’ve learned. That my stories I share are full of love. The past few days I just kept thinking, “Wow! I really wish those things about me were true! I’m going to try hard this year to live into those things. Try to really be THAT person!”
Bumbling around my mess of a Christmas break house, thinking on these things, trying to live into them so that I don’t allow the anxiety of mess to make me snappy at the family that has to live with me, I felt God ever so sweetly nudging me with thoughts. Thoughts that said, “You asked how others see you. Why do you think that has to be that they see hard things?” And my response is, of course, “because I too am beautifully flawed!! There is always something to improve on!!”
For the second time in as many weeks, He pressed on me that I only see him as a God who corrects when He is a God who loves us just as we are. That He sees me as uniquely and wonderfully created. That as my father he sees me with pride at who I’ve grown to be. Loving me just as I am. And that I have to accept that sometimes that’s a gentle, loving space.
It’s so much easier for me to see the good things in other people. Because I know my own thoughts and heart!! And y’all, sometimes loving people is HAAAARD!!
But today, I’m going to be gentle with my words to myself. Learn to accept the fact, that for 27 years, I’ve worked hard to bust up the hardness of my heart and let love win. To choose forgiveness over anger even when it offended my own sense of justice. I’m going to follow my own advice and let sweet words flow over me and balm my own bruised spirit.
I’m going to take those things and make them as true for my little family as they often still live with my rough edges.
Thanks for letting me share a sweet space this morning if you’re still reading my novella.
Namaste, Friends. Thank you for letting me share.