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Positively Present

Design Your Life

Ultimate To-Do List for Living a Positive Life

02/21/2011

“Yeah, It’s been a ride…
I guess I had to go to that place to get to this one
Now some of you might still be in that place
If you’re trying to get out, just follow me
I’ll get you there…”

Eminem
Not Afraid

Next month it will be Positively Present’s two-year anniversary and thinking about that has made me pause and reflect on how things used to be and how they are now. Before I started the site, I was in a particularly low place in my life. I didn’t think I would ever come out of it, and most of the time I didn’t even care. But, for whatever reason, two years ago something inside me demanded a change and I started working on living a more positive and present life. I knew I needed to be living my life differently and, in order to do that, I knew a lot of things about the life I was living would have to change.

It has not been easy — at ALL. Since I started this site, I’ve made a lot — and I do mean a lot — of changes in my life in an attempt to make every day more positive and to live more in the present. If someone had told me two years ago that I would be living the life I currently am, I never would have believed her. So much has changed but, oddly enough, all of these changes have brought to a place where I am more of who I am. It has taken me awhile to get out of the place where I was so unhappy, but I’ve made a lot of strides in the right direction and every day I’m making process.

If, as Eminem’s quote implies, you find yourself in a place where you’re not living a positive life, where you’re unhappy and wanting to get out of where you are and into another place, take a look at the To Do list I’ve created below for living a positive life. These are the things that I’ve done to get to me to where I am now. Some days I’m still struggling, still seeking something, but when I reflect on how far I’ve come, I can’t help but give credit to all of the changes that have made my life so much better. If you add these items to your daily To Do list, I can guarantee that you’ll find your way out of a negative place and into a positive one.

Top 10 To-Do’s for a Positive Life

1. Stop doing the things that make you unhappy. This is number one on the list for a reason. Too often we spend time and energy doing things that make us unhappy and too often we don’t make the connection between what causes our unhappiness. Look at your life carefully. Are you doing anything that makes you unhappy? When you find yourself at your lowest points, is there anything you can pinpoint that has caused the low point to occur? Often there are patterns that we just don’t admit to. Take an extra close look at any alcohol or drug use because these are too often the cause of serious unhappiness and negativity.

2. Surround yourself with people who bring you up — not down. Just like you must look at the actions your taking and choose not to do things that cause you unhappiness, you must also choose not to be around people that cause you to be unhappy. Sadly, too many people surround themselves with individuals that don’t bring them up. If you find that people in your life are bringing you down — yes, even family members or significant others — you have to find a way to separate yourself from them. If you want to live a truly positive life, you must be surrounded by positive influences.

3. Invest some serious time in self-love and soul searching. If you want to live a positive life, you must know what it is that you stand for and what matters to you. The only way to go about learning to love yourself is to invest time in it. It might sound silly to some, but finding true love for yourself and really knowing whom you are is essential for living your most positive life. Before you can love anyone or anything else fully, you must first love yourself. Don’t ever think about self-love or soul searching as a waste of time because, honestly, it is such a valuable asset to living life positively.

4. Spend your time doing the things you love to do. Once you’ve rid your life of doing things that make you unhappy, you’ll suddenly have a lot more free time on your hands. What to do with that all that free time? Spend it doing things you absolutely love to do. Take a moment to think about the times you are the happiness. What are you doing during those times? It doesn’t matter if it’s a silly thing or something that other people don’t quite get. What matters is this: if something makes you genuinely happy, you should spend time doing it.

5. Revise the way you look at the world around you. When going from a negative outlook to a positive one, I really had to spend time thinking about the way I was looking at things. The way you see the world around you is a choice. You can choose to look for the good or you can choose not to. It’s completely and entirely up to you. Once I realized this, I understood that it didn’t make much sense to focus on the bad things in life. Sure, I had to acknowledge them, but I certainly didn’t need to dwell on them. Change your point of view and your whole life will change too.

6. Be open-minded to new (or old!) ideas of living a positive life. I used to be the kind of girl who would scoff at an article like this, thinking these kinds of ideas were pretty much bullshit. However, the more I started opening my mind to new ideas, the more I started realizing that there are a lot of awesome people out there in the world living positive lives and, really, why shouldn’t I listen to them? If someone has been successful with an idea for living a positive life, it’s at least worth considering. Every idea might not work for you, but having an open mind really helps lead to a positive life.

7. Stop beating yourself up about the past. For too long, I spent way too much time thinking about, revisiting, and quite literally going backward into the past. It was pointless and painful, but for years I did it and caused myself (and others) a great deal of unhappiness. Hard as it is to admit sometimes, the past is over. Going back to it or fretting about it or beating yourself up over it does absolutely nothing. Yes, you can look at your past and learn from it, but you do not need to continue to blame yourself for it or revisit it constantly in your mind. What’s done is done. The sooner you learn from it and move on, the better.

8. Don’t seek happiness outside of yourself in things or people. One of the things I always used to do was seek happiness outside of myself. If I was feeling unhappy or drowning myself in negativity, I would look outside myself for a solution. But, ultimately, no matter what I turned to, the negativity within me remained. It might be tempting to rely on other people for your happiness or turn to habits like shopping, eating, or drinking to quell your negative state of mind, but, believe me, those outside things never do the trick. You must seek happiness and positivity within yourself. It really is the only way to truly live a positive life.

9. Believe you have the ability to change your own life. This can be a hard one for many people. Over and over again they think or say the worst two words I used to be so familiar with and now dread: “I can’t…” The second you let yourself think that way about changing your life, you’re setting yourself up for failure. If you don’t believe you can change your life, then it’s going to be pretty hard to actually do it. Believing in yourself sounds so cliché, but there’s a reason that concept has stuck around for so long. Without it, you’ll paralyze yourself and living a positive life will be pretty darn impossible.

10. Refuse to give up, no matter what happens or what people say. A lot of people look down on those trying to better their lives. Perhaps it is jealousy or fear or just plain ignorance, but for whatever reason, people may judge you. When you strive to change your life — even if you do only one thing on this list — there may be people that criticize you or attempt to stand in your way. Don’t let them. Don’t let anyone or anything come between you and living the life you want to be living. Remember that, no matter what, this is YOUR life. If you want to live it positively, do it and don’t let anyone or anything stand in your way.

As much as I’d advise you to do every one of the things on this To Do list, I know from experience how hard even one of these things can be. It takes a lot of hard to work to live a positive life, especially if you’re struggling with negativity. But know this: even if you do one thing on this list, your life will improve. And you owe it to yourself to at least give it a try. If you want to live a positive life, do it. There may be obstacles and it may be hard to get from that negative place to a positive one, but, believe me, all of the work will be worth every ounce of effort you put into it because nothing is better than loving the life you’re living.

Design Your Life

Five Simple Ways to Love Yourself Now

01/25/2011
silho.png

Hard as it can be to realize sometimes, no matter what you think, you are good enough. With the onslaught of picture perfect images in the media and culturally defined ideas of what we “should” look like, sometimes it’s so hard to just do one of the most basic things — love ourselves. To me, loving yourself is the very first step to living a positive and present life. If you can’t love yourself, you’re going to have a hard time truly loving the world around you and enjoying the life you’re living. However, loving yourself is no easy task sometimes. It actually takes a lot of hard work, which is why I’ve come up with the top five ways you can start loving yourself right now. 
 

1. Stop comparing yourself to others.

The entire world encourages us to compare, to want what others have, to want to be like others. In the post I wrote back in 2009,  Stop Judging: 4 Reasons, 5 Things, 6 Ways, I talked about how much we lose when we waste time judging others and ourselves. If you truly want to love yourself, you must stop your comparisons. Focus on you and what’s great about who you are, what you have, and what you do. Don’t waste any more time comparing yourself to those around you. This is the first — and most important — step to loving yourself now. 
 

2. Focus on your achievements — big and small.

To often, we focus on the things that went wrong (or could go wrong) and not on the things we did right. We’ll dwell forever on a conversation that went poorly, but hardly think at all about a wonderful interaction with had with someone. Likewise, people are often more likely to focus on their failures than their achievements (probably as some sort of self-protection in order to avoid future failures). It’s okay to acknowledge the things that didn’t go swimmingly, but if you really want to love yourself, you have to spend most of your time thinking about what you did/said right. And, remember, even the little things deserve a pat on the back. 
 

3. Look past the mirror to your true self.

It’s all too common for people to define themselves by the way they look. Remember: you are more than what you look like. Yes, it cannot be denied that appearance is important and has some merit, but it is not everything. The way culture is set up, it’s hard to remember that sometimes. Next time you look in the mirror and find yourself filled with negative thoughts, remind yourself that you are more than what you see in that reflection. Your worth is more than the way you look. Once you convince yourself of the truth in those words, it will become much easier to love your true self. 
 

4. View yourself from another perspective.

We all have the tendency from time to time to get wrapped up in our own minds. Our thoughts and ideas take over and we tend to forget that there are millions and millions of other opinions and ideas out there in the world. The next time you find that you’re giving yourself a hard time, take a step back and try to look at the situation — and yourself — objectively. You may soon realize that the way you were looking at yourself or the situation is not the way that others would. Taking a step back and looking at yourself with fresh eyes will help you to realize that you are worth more than you realize — and you are certainly deserving of your own love. 
 

5. Make a list of all your awesome traits.

Feeling like you’re not quite up to par? Stop. Drop what you’re doing. Grab paper and a pen. And get to work. The activity might seem like a silly one, but, seriously, taking some time to write about how great you are will help you to realize that, no matter how you might feel about yourself sometimes, you really are pretty awesome. And if you find yourself struggling with this exercise, enlist the help of friends and family. Hearing their input about your awesomeness will make you realize that, hey, if all of those people can love you, you can certainly love yourself! 
 
As I said, loving yourself isn’t easy. It seems like the kind of thing that should come naturally, but I think most people are filled with reasonable amount of self-doubt and, as a result, their minds fill with self-deprecating thoughts from time to time. It’s okay to struggle with self-love, but it’s not okay not to give it a really solid try. You deserve to love yourself because, no matter who you are, you are awesome. So start embracing your awesomeness and use the five tips above to start loving yourself now. There’s no time like the present to learn to love yourself! 

Design Your Life

Sometimes You Just Have to Do What You Want

03/11/2010

You should always spend time doing what makes you happy. Last night, I spent a great deal of time doing something I did not want to do, something that made me ultimately unhappy, and when I woke this morning and thought back on the wasted Saturday night, I was reminded of a point that I always try to aspire to: do what you want to do. Of course, there are situations in which we must attend unpleasant events or participate in less-than-thrilling conversations, but there so many times when we end up committing ourselves to do something we don’t want to do, something we could have easily gotten out of. When this happens to me (as it did last night), I feel anger and resentment not only to the other person/people and situation, but to myself. Afterward, I ask myself, Why didn’t I just say no? Why did I waste time doing something that didn’t bring happiness to my life? I often rationalize that I somehow got suckered into it or I couldn’t get out of it, but this time I am choosing to do something different. After waking and feeling resentment about a wasted Saturday night, I am not going ask why the time was wasted or think about what I could have done with my night. Instead, I am going to prepare myself for the future by taking these steps to make sure that, whenever I can, I am spending my time the way I want to.

1

Just say no. When I come across an invitation or a situation I don’t want to participate in for whatever reason (even if no one else could possibly understand my reasoning), I am going to say no. Of course, this means I will still have to go to work and meetings and do some things I really, really hate doing (like pumping gas and walking down the aisles of a grocery store), but there are also a lot of things I can say no to that I usually don’t. I usually rationalize the event in some way, saying to myself, Oh I haven’t seen this person in so long or I don’t have any other plans set in stone yet. Even if I have nothing better to do, I will still strive to avoid spending my time in ways that don’t feel positive to me.

2

Recognize what things don’t interest me — and don’t do them. Ever. We all have things that we know we don’t like to do. For example, I’m not a big fan of sports games. With the right people and in the right situation they can definitely be fun, but I have spent hours and hours of my life on boyfriend-of-the-moment’s couch watching football or basketball. And I have sat there resentfully, thinking to myself, I could be doing something else right now. I really don’t care at all about this stupid game. What am I doing here? That’s just my example though. I’m sure for other people, there are certain situations they know bring out negativity and resentment in them. My advice? Don’t do them. Yes, if you have a friend or significant other that really wants your support, sometimes you might have to do things you really don’t want to do, but you should seriously consider if participating in an event and feeling annoyed about it is really worth it in the long run. Maybe you can work out a deal with the person or maybe you can find someone who has interests more in line with your own. Either way, settling for a situation never brings about positivity in any relationship.

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3

Set aside time to do what you love. Sometimes it’s easy to remember what we love to do, and to find the time to do it. When you experience a situation in which you feel you have wasted time, often the things you would have loved to have been doing jump to the forefront of your mind. For example, last night I thought to myself, I wish I were writing right now. I wish I was finishing up the book I’m so into reading. I wish I could be in bed, turning off the light, about to get a few extra hours of sleep because it’s the weekend. Right there, I thought of three things that I really enjoy doing (yes, sleeping is one of them). That’s one of the few perks about doing something you don’t want to do — you realize all of the things you do want to do. Once you’ve figured out whatever it is really enjoy doing (which, actually, can be very difficult for some people so really take your time with this), you should set aside time to do it. Not general, maybe-this-weekend time, but actually time, such as blocking off an hour or two in your calender. In doing this, you will be more likely to remember and take time to do the things that interest you. In addition, you can easily say, “Oh, i’m sorry! I already have plans!” when an invitation arises that you are really not interested in accepting.

4

Realize that life is short. Cliche as it sounds, life is short. We only have a limited amount of time here in this life and we should make the most of it. We should spend whatever free time we have doing what makes us happy. It’s easy to get sucked into doing what other people want to do or justifying activities and saying that we “have” to do them, but this is unfair not only to us, but to those around us. People will be able to sense that you are not enjoying yourself (or, at least, people can sense when I’m not enjoying myself because I make it very clear). You will be resentful of the people and situations you spend time with and partake in because you felt you “had” to. You will miss out on all of the fun and excitement and joy you could have had doing what you really wanted to be doing. Our lives are short and we should all be living them the way we would like to.

5

Surround yourself with people who support what you want to do. This can be difficult at times, because not everyone wants to do the same thing and it’s pretty near impossible to surround yourself with friends and family members who enjoy the exact same activities that you do. However, you can choose your friends and you can choose friends that enjoy similar activities. You can also choose to surround yourself with people who make not like to do all of the same things you do, but who support the time you want to spend doing those things. Likewise, you can be the kind of person who, though you may not want to participate in a certain activity, fully supports those who do. People who are unsupportive bring negativity into their lives and the lives of those around them, so try to support the preferences of others and most definitely try to surround yourself with people who support you.
Some may read this entry and think, How selfish! We shouldn’t just go around doing what we want to do without thinking about the needs of others! This is true. I am not encouraging complete and utter selfishness, but I am, as always, encouraging positivity. We have this moment, this life, to live however we want to, and I feel like so often we take this for granted. We think that we can get to something later or, in my case, I rationalize things, saying to myself, Oh, I’ll always have time to read. But will I? What I know for sure is that we have this moment, this single moment, to live. No future is guaranteed so whenever possible I believe we should spend time doing whatever makes us happy. Between work and other commitments that we can’t get out of, we actually have very little time to do the things that make us truly happy. Think about what you really love to do — and do it!

Design Your Life

Just Say No to Negativity

02/17/2010

In order to focus on the positive aspects of my life, one of my main goals (and a tough one to tackle most of the time) is to get rid of the negativity in my life. As you know, negative can come in many, many forms and a lot of these forms are out of your control. Negative thoughts are sneaky little devils, creeping into our minds and trying with great persistence to lead us away from the positive. And, unfortunately, once we open the door to one negative thought, a bunch of others seem to sneak in.

So how can you stop the negativity from taking over? Here are some things I try to remember when I’m tempted to embrace negative thoughts:

monsterNegativity is boring. For most people, it is easier to be negative than it is to be positive. Most people give into (and, in fact, often embrace) negativity, and end up giving up negativevibes. Their attitudes and actions become negative. If you are thinking negatively, you are like so many other people — taking the easy path. The easy path is not only uninteresting, but it is also detrimental to your well-being (even though, at the time, it may feel satisfying to giveinto that negative emotion or thought).

Negativity is unattractive. People like happy people; it’s a fact. Would you rather be around someone who is grumpy and moping and complaining or would you rather spend time with someone who is uplifting and always looking for the good in a situation? Exactly. People don’t want to be around negative people so you will be a lot more popular (with others and with yourself) if you keep a positive attitude.

Negativity is pointless. Being negative does not get you anywhere. There is absolutely nothing to be gained from looking at the negative side of things. While the positive may, at times, be idealistic, it forces your brain to think about happiness and increases the positivity in your emotions and actions. Thinking negatively does not. It does absolutely nothing for you, so why do it?

Negativity is tiring. Think about about happy thought. Now think about a sad one. Which thought was more draining? Emotionally and physically, thinking negatively can take it’s toll on our minds and bodies. While it sometimes feels like the easier thought to embrace, the more negative thought will ultimately cause more harm than good because it will allow your mind to be open to other negative thoughts. One negative thought can lead to another and before you know it, you are emotionally drained from thinking thoughts that make you upset, sad, or angry.

Negativity is time-consuming. Even though a lot of the time it is a negative thought jumps to the forefront of our minds, it actually takes a lot more time to think about things from a negative perspective. For example, if you allow yourself to think about what might go wrong in a situation, it’s very likely that your mind will wander to all of the other possible scenarios in which something could go wrong. You will then begin to worry about those scenarios and attempt to think about ways to solve potential problems. You will have spent time stressing about situations that may or may not happen — all because you let in one negative thought. Not only will you be wasting time and emotional energy, but you are also allowing yourself to live too much in the future, a place that is completely unknown and completely unworthy of your worrying thoughts.

Now that we’ve looked at some of the reasons not to be negative, let’s think about some ways to avoid negativity. One way is to concentrate on your thoughts and emotions and take control of them. Focus on remaining positive and living in the present moment. For more on these, see my post on mindfulness. Another way to avoid negativity is to communicate with others. As I have mentioned, clear communication often avoids conflicts and avoiding conflicts can avoid reasons to stray into negative territory. In addition, negativity can be avoided by having something positive to focus on other than your thoughts. If you like to walk, take a walk. If you have a favorite TV show, watch it. If you have a friend who always cheers you up, call him or her. Sometimes the easiest way to avoid the negativity creeping into your life is to distract yourself from it. There is a fine line between distracting yourself and ignoring a problem, but if you are certain the negative thoughts will not lead to a productive understanding of a situation, person, or problem (which is most often the case), it is best to avoid the thoughts altogether.

Negativity can be hard to escape. Not only do we have our own minds to contend with, but we must deal with those around us who can be negative, we must tackle negative environments or situations, and we must deal with negative images in the media. However, there are many ways to avoid negativity. Whether it is removing yourself from a situation or taking the time to think about your own viewpoint, removing (or, at the very least, lessening) negativity is an essential step to embracing a positive life.

Design Your Life

Finding Wisdom in Wonderland

02/06/2010

Alice in Wonderland is my favorite movie. Yes, I prefer the Disney version, but I do love all things Alice. While many little kids were scared of the film, I sat watching intently, in awe of the oddness of it. I wondered what it would be like to fall down a rabbit hole into a world where everything made no sense. As I got older, I realized that this world had quite a bit of nonsense in it and I wondered if, perhaps, I was already down the rabbit hole. Everything about the world — both Alice’s and my own — fascinated me. As I grew up, I focused less on trying to understand her world and more on trying to understand my own. However, there are a few good lessons in Lewis Carroll’s fictitious work that I think can apply to us, here in the real world.

alice_in_wonderland

For Christmas, my friend Christina gave me a beautiful Alice in Wonderland journal that she picked up, I believe, at Alice’s Tea Cup in New York City. (Thanks, Christina!) It’s filled with wonderful quotes from the book and I absolutely love it. When I cracked it open recently and flipped through it’s pages, I came across five particularly wonderful quotes that I realize had a great deal to do with living our lives in a positive way. Reading them gave me five great ideas about life and I thought to myself, “Hey! I better share these tips!” So here they are…

Decide where you want to be going.

“Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?” “That depends a good deal on where you want to go,” said the Cat. “I don’t much care where–” said Alice. “Then it doesn’t much matter which way you go,” said the Cat. “–so long as I get somewhere,” Alice added as an explanation. “Oh, you’re sure to do that,” said the Cat, ” if you only walk long enough.”

Do you know where you want to go in life? I have an idea, but not a certain, definite path. As the Cat says, if you don’t know exactly where you want to go, you could end up just about anywhere. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but if you do have some sort of direction you want to be headed in, you should probably start going that way, rather than just trying to get anywhere. No one but you can point you in the direction or path that is right for you. Figure out what your path is and get on it! No one can do it but you.

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Stop doing things that get you nowhere.

“It takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place.” – The Red Queen

What do you do that keeps you in the same place? Do you want your life to change but you keep doing the same things over and over again? I know that happens to me. I complain about things that I can control. For example, I feel sick when I eat ice cream. I know this, but I eat it anyway and then I complain. It’s a lot of working to feel sick, but I keep it up. Why? I’m not quite sure, but I do know the Queen is right. Sometimes it feels easier to keep doing what you’ve been doing because it’s comfortable, but it’s actually a lot of work. Are you in an unhappy relationship? Think about how much time and effort and mental energy that takes just to stay where you are. It seems like it would be hard to leave, but, really, it’s harder to stay. Don’t settle for less than what you deserve in life.

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Believe in what seems impossible.

“There’s no use in trying,” Alice said, “one can’t believe impossible things.” “I daresay you haven’t had much practice,” said the Queen. “When I was your age, I always it it for half an hour a day. Why, sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.”

How many of us are like Alice, so certain that something is impossible that we don’t even give it a try? People who succeed in life do so because they try and because they have a good attitude. They make an effort. They do, rather than just think about doing. This is hard though. Trust me, I know. I want to be a writer. I want to write magazine articles about topics I’m interested in. I want to write novels that people love and relate to. While I’ve drafted some articles and even written a novel, have I really done anything to pursue my dream? I often sit back and say to myself, “Oh, that probably won’t happen so I guess I’ll just stay where I am.” I’m doing some writing so it’s fine. Nope. This is not fine. My dreams — though they may be grand — are not impossible. And neither are yours so do something about it!

Know who you are.

“Dear, dear! How queer everything is today! And yesterday things went on just as usual. I wonder if I’ve changed in the night? Let me think: was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I’m not the same, the next question is ‘Who in the world am I?’ Ah, that’s the great puzzle!” – Alice

Who are you? Ah, the great and mind-boggling question. Do you really know who you are? I’m not sure anyone really 100% knows who they are, though some of us have a better idea than others. If you’re reading this blog (and weren’t already turned off by the crazy Alice in Wonderland nonsense I’m spewing here), you’re most likely a thinker, a soul-searcher. You want to know who you are which puts you a HUGE step ahead of most people, who just move through life not knowing and not caring who they are. Keep exploring yourself and trying to learn more about you. Everything you learn about yourself can help you in life. It helps in your job, your relationships, your health, and your happiness.

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Learn how to communicate with others.

“You should say what you mean,” the March Hare went on. “I do,” Alice hastily replied. “At least I mean what I say. That’s the same thing you know.”

Is saying what you mean and meaning what you say the same thing? I’m pretty sure it’s not. You should think about this: do you really say what you mean? do you really mean what you say? Communication, for me, is tough. I don’t always say what I mean either because I am afraid to or because I’m not sure exactly what I mean. This always leads to confusion and problems. It’s much better to take some time to figure out what you mean than to just say things that may be the opposite of, or not even related to, what you mean to say. On the other hand, it’s important to mean what you say. When you tell someone something, mean it. Don’t just speak to speak.

As you can see, there’s a lot to be learned from Alice and her adventures in Wonderland. If you haven’t already read the book and seen the movie, you should definitely do so. It’s pretty interesting and thought-provoking. I guess this is another example of how we can learn from the world around us. Not only can we learn from the people in our lives and our own experiences, but we can learn a lot from books and music and quotes and films. Pay attention. There’s a lot out there that can teach us if we just take the time to be aware of it.

One suggestion I have for you is to think about your favorite book or film or even quote. Why does that mean so much to you? What about that book/film/etc. do you really like? You would be surprised how much you can learn about yourself when you take the time to think about the things that you like in your life. We are all so different and we all really enjoy different things, and there are reasons for this. There is a reason that you like what you do so think about it and you may be surprised how much you can learn about yourself.